The Big Bang Theory

There were a couple of times during this opening match with Rob Van Dam that it really felt like Alberto was going to be able to overcome not having an entrance on camera, but some odds are just too insurmountable.

While hybrid entrance themes sometimes work — see: their opponents, the Rhodes brothers — RybAxel’s parallel syncing of their respective songs comes off more as a mash-up than a coherent thing they didn’t do when they were really stoned.

There were moments between Paige and Alicia Fox when it became very clear that fans could root for a wrestler who happens to be a woman, and not just an attractive person they are happy to see in front of them. How long that will take to be sustainable for an entire match is a crapshoot, but probably longer than it takes for the US Navy to figure out how to turn seawater into gasoline.

IT’S LIKE YOU GUYS NEVER LEARN YOUR LESSON! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD OR YOU GET THE DQ AGAIN!

Did you guys know that Brock Lesnar conquered the Streak? Someone should ask Paul Heyman is aware that his client, Brock Lesnar, conquered the streak. If he’s not aware that his client, Brock Lesnar, conquered the Streak, someone should tell him that. After this match where The King of Swing, Cesaro runs train on the World’s Strongest Man, becoming the World’s Strongest Man himself in the process.

There’s a belief among a certain section of the fandom who believes that Alexander Rusev might not make it. If the speech Lana gave last night doesn’t make them recognize why she and Rusev are the best thing in the history of wrestling, nothing ever will. And for that, Lana will have RUSEV CRUSH them (or, at least send them a strongly worded email.)

We always jump the gun on professional wrestlers. When someone like Jack Swagger shows flashes of brilliance in his mid-20s — and for anyone who didn’t think the Soaring Eagle was brilliant, THERE’S THE DOOR! — wrestling fans have a tendency to assume that they will be consistently brilliant from that point on. But, unlike other “sports”, professional wrestling requires significantly more  skill to be acquired before a performer can be expected to provide consistent entertainment nightly. Jack Swagger is just start to truly “get it”, which hopefully that means 5-8 more years of him being the Bigg Hoss and not All-American American American Jack THWAGGER.

Poor, poor Damian Sandow. No wonder the guy’s been working so hard on upping his karma points by handing out $10 bills to homeless people.

*** WARNING! YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE KEEP EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES *** John Cena reminds people of the “cool” guy that used to beat them up in high school. That’s clear at this point. It’s not that they dislike him as much as they dislike what he reminds them of: the enormous feeling of emptiness and isolation that comes from being mildly weird when you’re a teenager. Finding your place in the world is hard, and guys like Cena — meaning John Cena the character, of course (because we aren’t five) — seem to have everything handed to them.

But what people often fail to recognize about these characters — which is admittedly hard because they aren’t usually that introspective and their nuances are more implied than actively articulated — is that IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT YOU’RE WEIRD. Mostly because you probably weren’t that weird to begin with. When we are young, we have a tendency to develop a strong “us vs. them” mentality just to be able to get through the day. We see the “others” — people who may like sports more than you, and books less than you do — and automatically assume they have nothing in common with us. Since we want to feel unique, we assume that we are weird because being “average” or “just like most other people” is REALLY scary.

However, when it comes to something like John Cena trying to knock Bray and his dueling banjo band down a peg, the idea that he isn’t completely within his rights — meaning that it’s not something the character should be doing because of how he acts or how someone might actually act in that situation –is just silly. We are SUPPOSED to be rooting for John Cena, he’s the hero in this story no matter how we feel about that concept. If he stood around and simply acted afraid of the Wyatts, that would be the most boring build to a match in history. Ever.

He should be pissing directly into the oncoming Wyatt storm, because that’s what you do when you’re the good guy. It’s what good guys always do, and is a large part of what makes them the heroes of their stories: not changing who they are based on the circumstances. John McClane was a total asshole, a bad husband and probably at least mildly racist if Die Hard with a Vengeance is any indication, but he was our asshole. John Cena is the WWE Universe’s asshole.*** WARNING! YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC CHILI CHEESE PRETZEL DOG MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT ***

The Twitter breakup of Summer Rae and Fandango was seen by around 500K people based on their combined followers (presuming no overlaps, which is obviously wrong.) Raw pulls in around 4-5 million viewers every Monday night. So, based on the numbers, breaking them up this way was a TERRIBLE idea. But, by pushing that things can happen on Twitter that are pertinent to storylines on the actual show, it sets up a future where the WWE Universe becomes an augmented reality. Which is nice.

What took Kane so long take out the mask from the glass case? Was he trying to figure an elaborate heist to retrieve it before he realized that Stephanie was pretty much telling him to put it back on?

I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!!! SERIOUSLY NOT, THOUGH, BECAUSE BAD NEWS BARRETT IS LOLZ (I have serious trouble articulating how very much I love Bad News Barrett.)

While there is certainly a lot to be said about the complete lack of continuity that the WWE can enjoy from time to time, unless yr correspondent missed it, NO ONE mentioning that this is the second time that the Shield has been put in a “every jobber on the roster against us” match would be an egregious oversight. Part of what’s fun about the way the WWE has started to write now is that they have people react to situations like… people react to situations. And when you do that, you can have situations where you can mention that ____ has already happened to someone with having intended that to happen in the first place.

There was a time when yr correspondent didn’t watch wrestling. It was, oddly, during high school, from 2001-2005. Which, if you’re any good at math was right in  Evolution’s wheelhouse. But, not having lived under a rock for any extended period of time following this hiatus, the importance of Evolution is clear: it was the thing that made two of the biggest stars in the company without actually making either of them really. Both have been usurped by the virtues of HUSTLE, LOYALTY, and RESPECT (along with the ability to stay off the injured reserve) and become B stars while Cena became the Hulk Hogan version of Ric Flair. Which begs the question: considering the target — making Batista and Orton the biggest things in the business  — was Evolution a failure?

It’s always fun to see how guys are spotlighted on their way to the top. Roman Reigns being the one who is told to “Believe … in Evolution” is about as much fun as it gets for someone about to be obliterated. But does that mean that HHH DVR’d Cosmos on the night of WrestleMania or watched it in between matches?

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