I had a list of jokes all ready for this McMahon family feud, but it felt dirty recycling stuff from my AIM profile.
Curtis Axel is the “Mirror, Mirror” version of the Buffalo Bills. I defended the first few nights of the Joe Hennig Holding Pattern World Tour, but if they don’t let him get over on — and not just go over — somebody, people on the internet are going to start talking about how Joe has Larry’s hairline. Someone should get Curtis Axel in touch with Chavo Guerrero’s hairstylist.
Speaking of which, was Vince shaving his hair the past couple of years, or has he just been steadily growing it back since WrestleMania 23?
“I WON’T PRETEND TO BEAT UP YOUR DAD IF YOU STOP PRETENDING TO CRY, I PROMISE, BABE!”
The imagined image of Vince repeatedly “Ha!”-ing while he “squirts his grandkids with a hose in the pool” paints a dark, dark picture of life at the McMahon family compound. (Oddly, Shane and Triple H live together in the compound’s pool house like Carleton and Will in those weird Fresh Prince seasons).
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Cheering during The Shield’s entrance is the one thing that is really dangerous for this in terms of them being cool. Who wants to like something that appeals to everyone for different reasons?
I hope they manage to turn Randy Orton on Team Hell No! and not have him join The Shield. There would be worse things than him doing the whole American Psycho thing again, but they’re more over than he is and him riding their coattails isn’t a good look for anyone at this point in his career. Except for maybe John Cena.
This “we’re going to break up in a Shield match, probably” is a (-n un-?) surprisingly brilliant way to do what they insist on doing. Keeping Team Hell No! together with a giant “KANE IS HOLDING THIS TOGETHER BY HIMSELF” sign hanging over it allows them to play the “veteran big man/precocious guard” break up dynamic more ShowMiz than JeriShow. Which I guess is somehow better than them just going their separate ways.
Randy Orton’s shirt has apparently already turned heel (SPOILER ALERT).
Did Team Brickie miss the motorcade the last two weeks?
I wonder if Vicki and Kane get together to talk about abolishing the IRS, or if that’s something he spends more time on the phone with Sean Morley chatting about.
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“WAY BARRA AND THE WAY BARRA BARRAG IS GOING TO MACK SHURR THA MIZ DONNINT STAN A CHANZ.”
– Wade Barrett (I’m assuming that’s what he said, he’s almost impossible to understand)
Fandango not being in the Triple Threat match was really having me rethink spending money on the PPV. Then Joe Hennig came along and made “Perfect” puns. Do you take bearer bonds, WWE?
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Is Vince the only one that can see the backstage interviews, because he’s literally the only person I’ve seen in the WWE that was aware of the fact that they have cameras in that part of the arena.
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PLAY “BREAKING THE LAW”!
This promo officially means that CM Punk is Chris Jericho’s Cena-Rock.
What a boring, convoluted way to set up a fantastic match. Couldn’t Big E. Langston have just read his tweets to the crowd instead? Follow him here.
I take the term "dumped" very seriously. #RAW
— Ettore “Big E” Ewen (@WWEBigE) June 11, 2013
If you accept this run as “Aging Rock Star” Jericho, then Chris is doing Bray Wyatt-level wrestling-to-character work. If he’s doing a “Chris Jericho” run, then it’s a little more Duke “The Dumpster” Droese.
If end-of-match schmoz was just to hype the WHC match, while keeping Y2J near some action and on the positive side of the ledger, that’s fine. But if this is to shoehorn him into the title match Alberto and Dolph when Punk doesn’t show up, I’m going to complain on several different platforms in electronic ink.
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I don’t know what I hate more: racism, or pointed racism during my Antonio Cesaro matches.
There is currently a pre-Don West-heel-turn-TNA level of disparity between the quality of commentary and what’s going on in the ring right now. Antonio for WWE Champ 2014.
Wow, so not only did Cesaro go over someone clean, it looks like he is getting an anti-immigrant mouthpiece. That’s a built-in double turn with a Swagger toss-around match just for showing up. And it actually feels more racist than him picking a guy from Oklahoma.
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Team Brickie did a really great job in that Hardee’s commercial. Can get Team Rhodes Scholars in the car with the guys from Sonic?
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Heel Randy Orton is allowed to be aware of the rules, tropes, and cadences of wrestling. When he’s a good guy, it’s like he only watches Hulk Hogan clips to prepare for matches. I’m not sure why that’s the case.
This is the most go-home-y of go-home shows ever. There hasn’t been a single resolution to any match that mattered in the first two hours, hamburger commercials and the announcing of two separate title matches. It’s almost like they had a pay-per-view like three weeks ago and had to rush around to get all of the necessary storylines in place before this Sunday. It’s almost like that.
Of all of the moves that someone does to only one other person, Seth Rollins throw powerbomb into the corner is one “YES!” below Kurt Angle’s release German on Chris Benoit from Royal Rumble 2003.
Speaking of which, that wide shot of everyone doing the “Yes” chant is a WrestleMania crowd away from going in the Then, Now, Forever tag. I think it will replace the shot of Sheamus reading to that fat kid.
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I want to write an essay on how wonderful this entire AJ-Kaitlyn feud is, but that would feel too much like fan-fiction, so I’ll just say this: the lack of attention on the Diva’s division beyond “hey, one of the Bellas has huge knockers now!” since Michele McCool left has been wonderful because it’s allowed the WWE to build up continuity within the division, while still making the storylines fresh for a broader audience.
Hopefully they can use this momentum to build towards a place where Natalya no longer needs to date Great Khali and Hornswoggle to get on television.
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I will probably be the only wrestling writer to say this, but I hope not: I didn’t totally hate the backstage segment with Triple H, Vince and Stephanie. I don’t totally hate the McMahons, and I understand why people don’t like them, but I think a little bit of the family is fine. This will drag on, and I will get annoyed by it sooner rather than later, but for this moment, it’s fine.
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Is Justin Gabriel hurt or does he have his own T-shirt? He’d be the only person not shaped like William Regal to be wearing a shirt that wasn’t something you could buy. But I don’t know what would be crazier: Justin Gabriel having a t-shirt or being in such bad shape that they were like, “Hey, Justin and Regal, you might putting on a shirt? People paid good money to have to look at people who don’t look like them. Thanks.”
I know he won’t but I wish Ryback could win the Three Stages of Hell match so he could come to the ring for ever in the back of an ambulance.
“I’M A HERO! YOU ARE A VILLAIN! I HAVE TO MAKE POINTS BASED ON HUSTLE! LOYALTY! RESPECT!”
People need to be able to bleed on television for pull aparts to work anymore. The Cena/Lesnar one was great because it was unexpected and Cena bled, which is all people want from a serious feud with two jocky types.
Ryback was trying to have a civilized conversation, and John Cena is really just hear to kick some ass and make gay jokes. And he forgot a lot of his gay jokes.
