Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

There was a lot of bad in this clusterkerfuffle. Like, the entire thing.

Speaking of which — and not being able to speak into a microphone without sounding like a complete idiot — it’s hard to calibrate how good/bad it is that the only person who had anything interesting or engaging to say in those segments (this terrible match, Randy and Christian’s tough guy talk, and the Punk/Heyman+Axel segments) was Brad Maddox.  In invoking the Teddy Long clause, turning a really terrible match with a decent runover between Cody and Fandango into a really terrible tag team match with Miz in Fandango’s old trunks and Fandango on Damien Sandow’s shitlist again.

***

Curtis Axel can’t read cue cards, and it’s very depressing. Paul Heyman should just write the poor guy’s lines in his bald spot.

The WWE needs to do a better job of occasionally making the fan votes actually intriguing and not just an obvious plot device. There’s only so many times you can include THING WE ALL WANT TO SEE HAPPEN, AND WOULD PROBABLY PAY FOR with the other two equally obvious choices, THINGS NOBODY WANTS and WE’D REALLY PREFER YOU PICKED THE OBVIOUS ONE, before people stop caring about these votes at all.

Curtis Axel may not be much of a talker, and looks more Arn Anderson than Ric Flair, but he’s not a bad worker. And he sells like he’s worried about losing his job when he finally goes bald. Which, at this pace, should be sometime during the 2014 Royal Rumble.

Uh. So. I know wrestlers can’t win Emmys, mostly because almost none of them can act and also, you know, it’s wrestling, but Paul Heyman should at least be nominated for a Golden Globe.

There’s been very little snark from the announcers with Paul E.’s, “Phil, I am your father” routine, and it’s not clear if it’s because it’s coming from a very real place within their real-life relationship, or if it’s because talking about Daddy Issues would be taken by Triple H as a personal attack on his wife and family.

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