Hey everyone, it’s Nick! In the unlikely event you used to read my old website, Juice Make Sugar, you may be familiar with how I preview shows. For those who aren’t, it’s a little something like this:
Each match gets broken down into four categories of predictions:
The Dream, The Nightmare, The Hope and The Reality.
The “Dream” is an actual fantasy booking that might include magic and/or legal actions based on the rules of wrestling as we understand them.
The Nightmare is a real “what’s the worst that could happen”? situation, outside of real-life injuries to competitors, which is always bad and makes us sad when it happens.
The Hope is, well, what I am hoping to see happen within reason, but it usually indicates that I don’t actually think things will work out the way I am talking about them.
As that is what The Reality is for: an actual prediction what I think might happen based on things like the Power Board and having watched too much wrestling for my own good.
Let me know what you guys think of the format and if you have predictions of your own.
Ricochet vs. Logan Paul | Singles match
The Dream
This works as well as their spot at the Royal Rumble did.
The Nightmare
This works as well as their spot at Money in the Bank did.
The Hope
Given that Logan Paul has had fewer matches in his career (6) than Ricochet has had on Raw since the start of May (7) the main goal is to get out of this thing without any major injuries and maybe one (1) cool spot for the YouTubes..
The Reality
Although Logan Paul doesn’t really qualify for the WWE Power Board — yes, I decide who is eligible and no, I will not be taking any questions on this matter — it seems unlikely he’d manage to sneak past Ricochet at No. 16. However, given the magnitude of Paul’s star and the fact that of those six matches, Paul has won just two (and one of those was against The Miz who doesn’t even win when he’s WWE champion) if we were to bet on who wins, it would be the guy with the 23.6 million subscribers on YouTube and no wins since last year’s SummerSlam.
Slim Jim SummerSlam Battle Royal | 25-man battle royal
The Dream
Before the match, Adam Pearce performs what’s referred exclusively on commentary as “Some kind of archaic ritual” that allows for the resurrection of Andre the Giant, who then descends from the ceiling to enter into the SummerSlam Battle Royal presented by Slim Jim ™ like so much Rikidozan.
The Nightmare
Before the match, Adam Pearce performs what’s referred exclusively on commentary as “Some kind of archaic ritual” that allows for the resurrection of Andre the Giant, who then descends from the ceiling to enter into the SummerSlam Battle Royal presented by Slim Jim ™ like so much Rikidozan and is then eliminated by Omos while JBL brays MOTOR CITY MIRACLE over and over again on guest commentary.
The Hope
For them to do a bunch of cool spots and maybe even feature a guest appearance of a local legend before the second-to-last participant is then eliminated by Omos.
The Reality
For them to do a bunch of cool spots and maybe even feature a guest appearance of a local legend before the second-to-last participant is then eliminated by Omos while JBL brays MOTOR CITY MIRACLE over and over again on guest commentary.
Cody Rhodes vs. Brock Lesnar | Singles match[45]
The Dream
Cody Rhodes wins this match in such a way that Brock essentially murders him so hard that he collapses from exhaustion and the (soon to be resurrected by the power of the WWE Universe) corpse of Cody Rhodes simply lands on top of him in a pinning combination.
The Nightmare
Cody pulls a “Lesnar at SummerSlam 2014” and repeatedly suplexes Brock while Bill Simmons’s child chants “Let’s Go Cena” into a crowd mic for the first half of the match like a horror movie. Lesnar then gets up after the match, completely unscathed and says “This is all fake. I’m not even a real cowboy!” before riding off in a smart car.
The Hope
For a competitive contest where Cody manages to look like he’s capable of surviving a fight with Lesnar and actually able to win a wrestling match because of his superior reflexes and the power of the WWE universe (in this version, they don’t resurrect him, their love just helps him achieve his goals by transferring their fighting spirit into him. )
The Reality
A match where Brock does a bunch of Brock shit, Cody hits him with a tractor, a trailer or a tractor trailer and wins “cleanly” because he needs to get back on track to take the title at WrestleMania 50.
Asuka (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bianca Belair | Triple threat match for the WWE Women’s Championship
The Dream
As a result of a backstage mishap, someone starts playing Roman Reigns’s entrance animation and, because of this — and WWE bylaws relating to rules of engagement and TV graphics — they are forced to run his Galactic Championship match to start off the show (much to the chagrin of Logan Paul, who was hoping to see his brother lose a fight halfway across the country on the same night). This then gets made the main event and given the hour that they had set aside for Tribal Combat. (They can give the 27 minutes allotted to the entrances and ceremonial hug back to Roman and Jey, which they’ll likely use for rest holds wherein they will say mean things to the camera while Cole screams PLEASE, GOD, GIVE THEM AN EMMY SO THEY’LL STOP DOING THIS)
Regarding the match: Asuka wins, but only after she, Bianca and Charlotte work a match somehow even better than Charlotte’s absolute barnburner against Rhea but with fifty percent more kicks to the face and spots that make you go “That massive cut on the bridge of her nose was probably the best outcome of her taking that bump with her eyeballs”.
The Nightmare
Charlotte does all the Charlotte shit, but like most of their other matches, Bianca and Asuka never quite get into fifth gear despite both being extremely capable of getting there with most other performers. Which makes whomever wins feel like they are either part of an inexorable march towards history (Charlotte), a heel turn to market their new reality show (Bianca) or a de-emphasis of the women’s division in a post-Rousey era (Asuka) instead of just a match that doesn’t work because 2/3rds of it are (for whatever reason) don’t click.
And this gets half the time of the only other women’s match on the card, which is somehow Ronda’s farewell match, despite Becky and Trish having been planned for the show and Rhea Ripley, you know, existing.
The Hope
For Bianca and Asuka — literally my two favorite performers on the WWE roster — to figure their shit out, while Charlotte manages to work a self-contained match instead of going for every big spot possible to keep the crowd at 11 while her opponent struggles to compete with Flair’s blatant disregard for her own well-being.
The Reality
Because we believe in the Power of Positivity around these parts, the assumption is that our Hope will become The Reality, as Charlotte’s pretty great in matches where she’s going to be tertiary to the actual story that the bout itself is trying to tell. Charlotte Flair, like her father, is an Loki-as-Cat-Thor levels of chaos agent that usurps power by staying the course through the insanity that she whips up around her (see: Becky Lynch’s entire deal with her).
Asuka is probably on her last run at the “champion at SummerSlam” level, and it would be a surprise for her to walk out of Detroit with the title, but if she does, look for her to kick her whole deal up a couple of levels as she’ll likely saunter towards Survivor Series or maybe even the Rumble as champion.
Ronda Rousey vs. Shayna Baszler | MMA Rules match
The Dream
UFC 193
The Nightmare
UFC 157
The Hope
UFC 207
The Reality
The Expendables 3
Seth “Freakin” Rollins (c) vs. Finn Bálor | Singles match (World Heavyweight Championship)
The Dream
Without putting too much emphasis on how underwhelming Finn Balor (and Prince Devitt, if we’re being honest) is to both the Institute of Kayfabemetrics or its braintrust in the Palace of Wisdom, whatever gets Seth Rollins the farthest possible distance from The Judgement Day is the ultimate goal of this match. Even if it’s a loss to Fergal, at least he won’t have to be stuck in this weird mindfuck of having to deal with an actual interesting storyline that has real emotional stakes and where he’s super over, but while playing opposite Team Rocket.
The Nightmare
Fergal wins, then Damian cashes in immediately after, and we are forced to watch six months of Dominik Mysterio having to play mediator between those two at the start and end of every single show.
The Hope
They pay off this interminably long feud. To be clear, this is not including the seven years of build prior, just the shit in the last few months — or has it been years? I black out every time Damin Priest opens his mouth and it’s possible I’ve entered a Rip Van Winkle scenario, but just with this feud — that has felt like ground zero for the sinister soups that Vince McMahon has his fingers in any given week. Shitting or getting off the pot with Finn would be ideal, but at least giving us some kind movement on where Seth Rollins actually stands in the company is pretty much all we can ask for.
The Reality
Probably a cash-in on Rollins after Balor narrowly loses to Seth on a spot which is somewhat ambiguously Priest’s fault, which leads to a feud between the three of them where Seth gets his win (and title) back and the Judgment Day start their own road to WrestleMania.
Gunther (c) (with Imperium (Ludwig Kaiser and Giovanni Vinci)) vs. Drew McIntyre |
Singles match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
The Dream
There’s a distinction that always existed in the Palace of Wisdom between “meaty” and “beefy” men. A meaty man is no better or worse than a beefy man (or, as they are also known, beefer), but while all beefy men are meaty men, the reverse is not true. And there’s no finer example of the difference between the two than Sheamus and McIntyre. Sheamus is a meaty man (we’re working on the naming conventions) but has almost no beef, while McIntyre is structurally as beefy as you can get without being constructed entirely out of it.
And somewhere in between the two is Gunther, a mountain of a man, who walks, talks and works like a main eventer while chopping meat every night in the ring and looking like an absolute beefer doing it. The dream of all wrestling fans should be that this match, in addition to breaking a record for most burst capillaries in a single chest, elevated Das RINGGENERAL up where he belongs, regardless of the outcome of the contest itself.
The Nightmare
Honestly, someone tripping on the way to the ring and/or pulling a Vince when they get there is pretty much the only thing that has us worried about this match in any kind of meaningful way.
The Hope
That this is either a fitting end to one of the great mid-card title reigns of this century, or the last obstacle before Gunther reaches the promised land, where he’ll be greeted by the Honky Tonk Man and 40 Peggy Sues.
The Reality
I mean, you have to assume that the best way to handle this whole thing would be for Imperium to interfere and cost Drew a win and the title, which basically guarantees that Gunther would break the record but allow for a rematch (potentially in the main event, given the context and the performers) at Backla, er, sorry, Payback just a week before he’d actually break the record.
Roman Reigns (c) (with Paul Heyman and Solo Sikoa) vs. Jey Uso | Tribal Combat for the Undisputed WWE Universal Championship and recognition of Tribal Chief[48]
The Dream
Jey Uso wins.
The Nightmare
That Jimmy Usos blames Jey for him being put out of commission by Roman, comes back in the same outfit that Solo wore for Clash at the Castle and WrestleMania, and just do the same exact fucking ending for the same fucking match we’ve had to watch for the last fucking three years. For fuck’s sake. (Sorry.)
The Hope
Jey Usos works a strong enough performance here that he enters into a Jay Briscoe-esque zone where he gains, essentially, the ability for it to seem entirely plausible for him to be a world champion but extremely unlikely that he’d given up entirely on a legacy built with him family for individual success, which is one of the few examples in professional wrestling of being able to eat the cake you’ve gotten.
The Reality
Roman Reigns wins.