The Judgment Day (Finn Bálor and Damian Priest) (c) vs. Cody Rhodes and Jey Uso
Tag team match for the Undisputed WWE Tag Team Championship
The Dream
After losing a hard-fought match but retaining the title because of the champions’ advantage against Cody and Jey, Meowth and/or JD McDonagh appear in a Meowth-shaped hot-air balloon to pick up Finn and Damian for their shift at Hot Topic.
The Nightmare
I swear to Christ, if one more Samoan shows up in a goddamned hoodie to give someone a goddamned Samoan Spike, I will absolutely lose my shit.
The Hope
That this is given exactly the amount of attention that it deserves: more than the Bloodline/Cena-Knight but less than Asuka-Charlotte-IYO.
The Reality
I guess it’s good that this’ll probably kick off the show and not main event, though given that the main event will likely be an even less meaningful or interesting tag match, this’ll probably be the start of the worst PPV of the year.
Seth “Freakin” Rollins (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Last Man Standing match for the World Heavyweight Championship
The Dream
For Shinsuke to arrive at this match in a time machine, having swapped places with the version of himself from 2014, or even when he first joined WWE and not whatever this half-assed version of a John Wick character he has going now. Nakamura still has more juice than half the roster even in his wildly diminished state — which is why they can microwave him for a two-PLE run against Rollins for the WHC — and there is a world in which this match feels much closer to Tyler Black and The King of Strong Style, but the assumption has to be that….
The Nightmare
…this is going to feel like every other Shinsuke match of any significance on the main roster, where the crowd and he both know what he’s capable of, but the dance between the two will be focused around getting him to tease the things we know he can do, as opposed to actually doing them. The issue with Shinsuke matches is less that they never quite get to where they need to go than a complete inability to get rolling in the first place.
The Hope
Having said that, one has to assume that there’s a reason that Shinsuke has been tapped for this program with Seth and while it’s entirely possible that it’s a champion’s choice situation, it seems much more likely that the people who originally brought Shin into this world are trying to see if they can get out of him what they thought they were going to receive when he was first signed. If it so happens to be on an also-ran PPV used to hype up Survivor Series, so be it.
The Reality
While it’s hard to imagine them having a bad match, given the limitation of both when it comes to carrying someone else to a great match (especially at this point in their careers) this will likely end up leaving us feeling the same way the last five years of both of their careers have: wondering if they wouldn’t be better off somewhere else, making the same amount of money and having a much better time.
Iyo Sky (c) vs. Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair
Triple threat match for the WWE Women’s Championship
The Dream
LA Knight gets sent back to his home planet and instead of asking where he is and what he’s doing, this match gets double the amount of time it was previously allotted and the performers are allowed to burn the house down like Charlotte did with Rhea at this year’s WrestleMania, in a match that outhossed a triple-threat IC title match that was literally sponsored by “Oops! All Hosses!”-brand cereal.
The Nightmare
To accommodate his growing fame, the tag match with Cena and the Bloodline is moved up to the curtain jerker, but LA Knight’s entrance runs long as he is mobbed by adoring fans and has to be helicopter’d from the stage to the ring. As a result, this match is cut short and becomes a showcase for Charlotte’s instagram, where she goes into very specific detail about her diet, her favorite vacations spots and where to get the best “authentic” mexican food in each city.
The Hope
Despite using the “Just Add Charlotte” method of matchmaking, this transcends its role as a clean way to have a sloppy finish that the crowd won’t get mad at. Asuka and Charlotte both have a tendency to take advantage of the “storytelling possibilities” — read: they both have cheap title wins in triple threat scenarios, because they’re both big enough stars for WWE to get away with it — while IYO’s skill set manages to position her as a prime candidate to both drop the title that way and “shock the world” by retaining against two surefire first-ballot Hall of Famers. Which is exactly where you want to be in a match like this.
The Reality
This will almost certainly be a decent to good match that will have an ending that feels confusing in the moment until it becomes clear that it was probably a bad idea because, wow, that sure is a lot of titles for one person to have but never really hold onto.
Latino World Order (Rey Mysterio and Santos Escobar) and TBD (with Zelina Vega) vs. Bobby Lashley and The Street Profits (Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford)
Six-man tag team match
The Dream
A man who spits in the face of people who don’t want to be cool shows up, shows the LWO what being cool is all about and then… joins with the new Hurt Business to do dope shit in suits. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Santos Escobar (King Cuerno is my absolute favorite character from Lucha Underground and an all-time favorite gimmick in any promotion) and find Rey Mysterio far more palatable than I did ten years ago, but have you fucking seen Bobby Lashley when he’s beating up dudes in suits? King shit.
The Nightmare
That this match gets cut, otherwise this should be an incredibly fun six man tag with some of the most talented performers in the company that is anchored by two of the most over performers in the industry of the last ten years. If there’s any match that has a chance to be a surprise entry in the Match of the Year discussion on this card, it is most certainly this one.
The Hope
This gets enough time that Santos Escobar gets to look as good as possible before he inevitably does the job because everyone else in the match is probably in need of protection right now. Also, like, at least one apple spitting spot.
The Reality
There’s no reason to assume that this match will be anything below “pretty good” and sometimes that’s all you can ask for, especially when there’s at least a smattering of a story involved to get us there in the first place. If this was literally anywhere in the continental United States, it would also probably feature the biggest pop of the year outside of San Juan.
John Cena and LA Knight The Bloodline (Jimmy Uso and Solo Sikoa) (with Paul Heyman)
Tag team match
The Dream
We learn that LA Knight is actually a Wrestle Buddy that had his DNA mixed with the Rock and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin — like The Fly, only moreso — and that’s how he ended up having all of their catchphrases and mannerisms, but without any of the presence or staying power.
The Nightmare
This somehow turns into a world title sixpack challenge, as the Rock and Roman Reigns join the match and then every other performer lines up to redeem one (1) catchphrase call-and-response signature move from LA Knight, before he stacks all of them on top of each other and wins both the WWE Universal Title (presented by PRIME) and, for whatever reason, becomes the King of Samoa.
The Hope
John Cena and LA Knight refuse to work together after a heated argument over whose catchphrase/call-and-response signature move is less embarrassing to have to sell, and Knight is replaced by literally anyone else, including Baron Corbin.
The Reality
LA Knight is probably going to main event a PLE/PPV. The reality is God abandoned us a long time ago.