Tonight is the last night (ever?) for RAW — WWE’s flagship show — on linear television, as next week’s episode will be the premiere of the show’s run on Netflix. As is (/was/always will continue to be) tradition, we’re going to see what the show has in store for us and try to figure out what’s the worst that could happen by “fantasy booking” our predictions.
For those joining us for the first time, the “dream” is what we wish could happen if we were given a magic wand/booking pencil, the “nightmare” is the literal worst-case scenario we could think of (which can include “having to watch this match”) with the “hope” referring to what we’d like to realistically see given the circumstances and context and, finally, the “reality” of what we think will actually happen for real life.
Chad Gable vs. Otis
THE DREAM
These two are somehow able to recapture the heat this feud had when Gable seemed like he might actually end up as IC champ and not “guy who once had a PPV match for the IC title” and have a competition to see who will be crowned the new mayor of Suplex City.
THE NIGHTMARE
This section used to be a lot easier when [REDACTED] was in charge, at least in the sense that he was really fucking stupid when it came to the shit he would try (especially with people he didn’t totally know how to get over). So, in theory, you could say the dumbest possible shit in this segment and [REDACTED] could conceivably end up going with something strikingly similar. Like, that dude booked a match for himself against God (and Shawn Michaels).
But for a match like this, with the current regime in charge, it seems like even the most fantastical thing that could go wrong would be if, like, Tozawa ended up turning on Alpha Academy because he wanted to be “American Made”. Which would be dumb as shit, but it wouldn’t be “let’s have the Undertaker debut by hatching out of an egg” levels of bullshit.
THE HOPE
The “powers that be” allow these two to really explore the studio space, given that they are both (literally) world-class athletes and amateur wrestlers.
THE REALITY
Probably an eight-minute match that other resolved the feud once and for all, or somehow stretches this shit out to the Royal Rumble.
R-Truth vs. Pete Dunne
THE DREAM
Pete Dunne beats R-Truth so convincingly that it opens the time-space continuum, bringing us back to the 2018 NXT UK Championship tournament and allowing us (as we will still be current us) to prepare/prevent the pandemic (or at the very least, making sure Rudy Gobert doesn’t wipe his nasty-ass hands all over those microphones).
THE NIGHTMARE
This match gets turned into “loser leaves his current gimmick” match, which brings back K-Kwik (after he loses resoundingly to the much younger Dunne), an act which resurrects Road Dogg FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL and forces us all to “Get Rowdy” until the heat death of the universe.
THE HOPE
This puts an end to basically any reference to Butch, one of the single dumbest (and easily the most unnecessary) gimmick changes in the modern history of wrestling.
THE REALITY
Most likely, given that both of these fellows can actually work (even when he was Butch, Pete Dunne was a top-tier in-ring performer, at least in terms of the WWE) a decent match that doesn’t overstay its welcome but also doesn’t leave us wanting or needing to see more.
Damian Priest & The War Raiders vs. Judgment Day
THE DREAM
Damian Priest and the War Raiders decide that, instead of making us sit through a trios match where they pretend that “chemistry” between two idiots and Eddy Guerrero’s kid is enough for them to three people who are all bigger than the three of them combined (or sitting on each other shoulders, like kids trying to see an “R”-rated movie,) they form a band that plays “Dream Theater” covers and calls itself “Systematic Chaos”.
THE NIGHTMARE
Before the match, JD McDonagh accidentally cuts his face on Finn Balor’s abs, forcing him to be replaced with Carlito.
THE HOPE
As all six workers in this match range from “Finn Balor is still good, I guess” to “Dominik Mysterio might be an actual savant, but more Rain Man than That Guy who wins Scrabble championships in languages he doesn’t speak or understand kind of way”, this being the bridge match (between the bottom of the eight-o’clock hour and the top of the nine) that is roughly 30% commercials (which happen during Balor’s in-ring segments).
THE REALITY
Some kind of clusterkerfuffle that requires me to sit through more of this shit next week, no matter how many times I pray to the wrestling gods for them to get Finn Balor on a show I don’t watch or care about (like, AEW is right fucking there, guy! You could totally job out to Edge on that show, just like old times!)
Women’s Intercontinental Title Tournament Semifinals
Iyo Sky vs. Lyra Valkyria
THE DREAM
This, or the other women’s intercontinental championship semi-final, gets put in the main event, so that they can end the year and have at least the same amount of women’s RAW main events as they have had Sami Zayn main events losses.
THE NIGHTMARE
They drop the whole ‘let’s give the women’s division mid card titles to build a middle class of performers round’ and bring back “pillow fights” as the way to determine who will compete for the women’s world championships.
THE HOPE
A match that goes longer than ten minutes.
THE REALITY
A dope match that will almost certainly not be given enough time to flesh out the fully developed in-ring story that these two are more than capable of.
Dakota Kai vs. Zoey Stark
THE DREAM
A hard-hitting affair that allows both women to look better after its done and, maybe, if they are lucky, provide meaningful momentum for them that won’t be completely halted by their inevitable loss to IYO in the next round.
THE NIGHTMARE
Zoey twists her ankle on the way to the ring and is replaced by Shayna, who proceeds to do that thing where despite being perhaps the most accomplished shooter on the roster (outside of Otis and Gable, anyways) she has to act like she doesn’t know her ass from her elbow if confronted with so much as a strong wind/woman who isn’t categorically “afraid” of her.
THE HOPE
A matches that lasts longer than ten minutes.
THE REALITY
This match is almost certainly going to produce the loser of the Women’s IC title finals, so I would look for both performers to “try to get their shit in” during this match. If given the time, that could be fantastic. If not, it may end up looking like two cats trying bury a turd on a marble floor.
CM Punk and Seth “Freakin’” Rollins “CONFRONTATION”
THE DREAM
For both of their mics to stop working, like so much TNA.
THE NIGHTMARE
For both of them to be given way too much time to air quasi-personal grievances that they will play up as some sort of a blood feud despite Punk’s new gimmick as “work widowed dad trying to make sure his kids understand that their mom loves them but is really focused on her career right now.” A real “men would rather yell at each other while wearing spandex than go to therapy”-ass feud.
THE HOPE
For both of their mics to stop working, like so much TNA.
THE REALITY
This will either be the first thing out of the gate — so that Punk, presumably, can take a quick shower and then come out for the dark match to (literally) spank Dom for costing him the World Heavyweight Championship while wearing a shower cap (which?) and a gimmicked towel — or they’ll end the show with it after claiming that whatever women’s match went on last was the “main event”.
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