Monster Mash

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Holy shit you guys. Now, I know you are probably asking: What the fuck was that and why the fuck do I care about Bobby Lashley‘s sisters? But you know what? I think I now care about Bobby Lashley’s sisters. Or, at least the idea that Bobby Lashley might be a nice person I’d get along with on a superficial level.

The problem is, he’s vanilla AF. What’s worse is that he’s pretty explicitly packaged as such. Look at that hat. Now, as part of an outfit, I think it works kind of (though I need someone who actually pays attention to this stuff on, like, an intellectual level). But as the main thing in the frame along with his face, it makes him look like a retired pro athlete trying to get you to sell your gold.

And when we asked for a reason to care about Bobby Lashley, “he was mildly abused by his sisters as a child” was not what we meant. We meant, like, could we see footage of him not sucking in other places as bad as he did the last time he was here?

The worst, at least for me, was that I still couldn’t tell you what they were trying to tell me about Bobby Lashley other than he looks like he was literally chiseled out of chocolate granite — the pictures of a completely yolked college-aged Lashley was a real great self-esteem boost on the same day my doctor literally wrote “overweight” in the notes for my annual checkup — and that he seems like he’s had a pretty great, not particularly noteworthy life. Telling us he has loving and giving parents who were important members of the community along with a solid, if¬†entirely unspectacular amateur wrestling career doesn’t seem to the way to get Lashley over.

And trying to do so feels like it’s either done intentionally to make him seem weird, or, whatever Vince used to drink when he thought he could get Lex Lugar — the kind of heel people could write books about — to be the face of his company by slapping some America on his ass and sending him out there.¬†HAVING SAID THAT, I’m weirdly kind of interested to see if he spends all next week talking about his family’s pets before moving on to his childhood baseball card collection for the week after.

Which I guess is the first time I’ve said that about something involving Bobby Lashley, so, who knows? Maybe it’s working.

*** WARNING!!! YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC CHILI CHEESE PRETZEL DOG MILK SHAKE — NOW WITH EXTRA DOG SHAKE! — ON YOUR WAY OUT ***

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