Andy Will Be Angry If…: The Extreme Rules Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get extreme.  For some reason, I’m not too excited about this show.  I’m excited to watch it, sure, but I think that has more to do with the friends I’ll be watching with than the show itself.  Even filler can be fun when you’re watching with good company.

That said, this show doesn’t look bad by any means, just a bit predictable.  I have few doubts on the outcomes of any of the matches.  What I do worry about is the road WWE will take to get there, and how much shine will remain on the stars who do the J.O.B.

Also, it’s worth noting that there are a LOT of big names missing from  this show.  That includes your tag team champions, The Usos, as well we RybAxel, Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler, Damien Sandow, Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, Santino, Fandango… just saying. Don’t be shocked to see a crowd-killing thrown-together match or two work their way into the show.  Oh, and I realize I was a bit loose with the term “big stars.”  Deal with it.

El Torito vs. Hornswoggle

The pre-show match will be a WWE original: a “weeLC” match.  I’m not setting my hopes very high for this one.  I’m expecting a lot of low-brow humor from the announcers.  I wouldn’t expect too many high spots.

Can I stop this, now?  Thanks.

While these guys have been feuding for a little while, this match has one real purpose: get the crowd interested in the show, and having fun.  Period.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: WWE acts like these men are little boys who happen to wrestle, instead of pro wrestlers who happen to be little people.  We all know how pro wrestling can be when it comes to little people.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: WWE actually lets these two have a decent little hardcore match, with their unique gimmick weapons and a little bit of pageantry.  There’s no reason why this match can’t be fun and impressive.

RVD VS. Cesaro vs. Jack Swagger

This one is a triple threat, built off of the Intercontinental Title contender tournament, and various manager-bashing shenanigans.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: RVD wins.  He’s Teflon, and doesn’t need it.  Period.  An RVD win is a wasted opportunity.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: WWE uses a little bit of simple storytelling to keep this feud going.  Cesaro finishes off RVD, Swagger dispatches Cesaro, Swagger pins RVD.  Simple, effective.  Continues the feud until you’ve got something better for the King of Swing.  Bonus points if Heyman mauls Zeb with weapons.

WAIT A SEC… WWE threw me a curveball here, making this match a two-fall elimination match.  That seriously throws a wrench into my logical arm-chair booking.  I say Swagger pins RVD clean, then Cesaro pins Swagger. In the encore,  Heyman and Zeb square off in the tactical-vest version of a tuxedo match.

Alexander Rusev vs. R-Truth & Xavier Woods

Bray Wyatt’s first feud was with R-Truth.  Now he’s one of the biggest names in the business.  Just sayin’.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: Rusev looks stupid.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: Rusev gets to look good.  I don’t think I’ll be angry here.

Paige vs. Tamina Snuka

This match has actually been built up pretty well.  Paige has been built as the inexperienced but talented babyface. Tamina has been built as a tougher-than-nails heel, stronger and more vicious than the girls Paige has beaten already.  Wrestling 101.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: This match is too short, either girl looks stupid, or if Paige spends the whole match selling, only to win a total fluke.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: These girls get a good 10-15 minutes to impress.  This match should be every bit as strong and competitive as the matches they’ve had building up to it.

Big E vs Bad News Barrett

This one is hard.  Big E is awesome, but his momentum has been completely killed, dead.  He’s stuck in neutral, while Bad News Barrett has been on a roll in the ring, on the mic, and with the crowd.  It’s hard to vote against #BNB becoming the new Intercontinental Champion.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: WWE chooses to ignore the fans cheering BNB and shrugging off any heat Big E may develop.  Also, if WWE chooses to use this as the time to kill either man completely.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: WWE has Big E work as the de facto heel, and let Bad News play the role of the babyface chasing the title.  I don’t care who wins, but if it’s Big E, Barrett needs to look good in defeat.  Otherwise, they may as well ship him off to the Impact Zome.

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

This is one of my favorite stories in all of wrestling right now.  Wyatt’s character is bringing out the absolute best in Cena.  The heat and emotion in the feud should really lead to an explosive match, with fantastic crowd heat.  Should.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: John Cena keeps his cool, like nothing’s wrong, and Wyatt’s never gotten the better of him.  The whole point is Wyatt exposing the darker side of Cena.  Cena needs to go DARK.  Win, lose or draw, everyone wins when Cena snaps.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: Cena doesn’t.  Against, I don’t care who wins.  If Cena wins, it needs to be through depraved acts of violence in the ring.  If he loses, he needs to completely lose it after.  Uncontrollable anger.  Maybe even an unjustified attack.  I can see it.  It looks so, so good.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

We finally get to find out who’s the Tag Team Champions.  In reality, it’s an opportunity for Daniel Bryan to continue to play the underdog, while adding some important W’s to his championship reign.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: D-Bry comes out looking like anything less than the best wrestler in the world.  Also, if he comes out looking like a chump who’s distracted by his marriage to do his job.

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: Daniel Bryan continues to be Daniel Bryan, and looks like a million bucks in defeating Kane.  He’s not going to lose, but he needs to look like a winner.

The Shield vs. Evolution

While I’m not interested in watching Batista wrestle, I am very interested in this match as a whole.  It’s far and away the hardest match on the card to predict, and the one with the most riding on it.  This is going to be the match where, someday, Triple H takes credit for Evolution “making” The Shield.  Don’t be surprised if the cage lowers at some point during this one.

I’LL BE ANGRY IF: The Shield looks stupid.  (Spoiler: The Shield won’t look stupid.)

I’LL KEEP MY COOL IF: The Shield look good, in victory or defeat.  A loss may actually be better here, keeping the Shield busy until WWE is ready to split them up, and have Reigns go solo.

@AndyMillerJMS

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