Believe in the Buzzards: Raw Regurgitated, 3/24

Daniel Bryan gets the night off, the Miz gets beat up by two grandpas and Brock gets a present from the Undertaker. Raw regurgitated on the internet, just for you!

To think that, essentially without being a part of the match until last week, the Authority has almost single-handedly made the main event of what may be the biggest show in the company’s history is kind of insane. And while your mileage may vary on Batista — and his incredible exploding skinny jeans — it’s hard to deny that, at the very least, the crowd REALLY hates him. So, he has that going for him, which is nice.

While the whole thing could get a little too wacky for its own good, it would be almost too much fun to comprehend if the Authority started messing with the people it was having trouble with through production problems in the show. Much in the same way that the profile of Punk’s #pipebomb was raised by him supposedly having his mic cut at the end, if you are trying to build up the pervasiveness of a totalitarian regime, things like cutting off the ability for people to speak publicly while being able to blame something like “technical difficulties” is a nice way to subtly show who’s in charge without beating people over the head with it.

Speaking of beating people over the head with things, Stephanie has gotten fairly slap-happy lately and it couldn’t be anymore awesome. If she turn face, will people WOOOOOO when she does it?


Waffles. This fatal four way between Sheamus, Christian, del Rio and Ziggler was ten pounds of awesome in a five pound bag. Although it’s very sad how much Big E.’s momentum has been slowed, having four guys basically kill each other over his belt does a lot to make him — and the championship — look good without overexposing how limited he is in the ring right now. Limited, of course, in the sense that he can’t seem to refrain from splitting people open during his matches.

Alberto del Rio’s career may not be remembered for much when it’s over, but his ability to slap his thigh louder than anyone else while pretending to kick someone’s head off will definitely live on forever.

Does Christian winning the match mean that losing to Sheamus is like getting stuck in the Mythril Mine marsh with the Midgar Zolom?


Hey, everybody! It’s a cartoon character whose best days are behind him, and who despite having nowhere else to go but down continues to play his trade to the best of his ability even if nobody seems to care about him even a quarter as much as they used to during his peak. Why he’s facing off against Sin Cara and Scooby Doo is totally beyond me.

It must be weird to have a group as hilariously, over-the-top popular as The Shield. It’s like three gold-egg laying geese dressed in SWAT gear.

While it’s easy to point out that Triple H is doing the best work of his career — and he probably is — saying it almost implies that he hasn’t been doing top shelf stuff his entire career. But, outside of a errant hog pen match or two, he’s had as top flight a run as anyone has or will ever have. Of the people involved in the main event at this year’s WrestleMania, only one will have not faced Triple H at a WrestleMania at some point. And the one who hasn’t is one of the crown jewels of a developmental program that is his baby. Someday, we will all look back and realize how stupid it was to act like he isn’t one of the best, smartest and most important performers of all time by any measure. Hopefully it’s immediately after he finagles his way into the second fatal fourway WrestleMania main event of his career, mostly because watching 70,000 people boo for 25 minutes straight is about as much fun as you can have with your pants on (and not have it be totally sad.)


Having Cody win an essentially meaningless match against Fandango on a distraction would normally get yr correspondent upset, as it slices the chances of me winning my “he’ll be WHC by the end of 2012” bet even thinner, but it’s hard to knock Goldust’s hustle in getting the distraction in the first place.

There isn’t much to say about this Hulk Hogan/Arnold Schwarzenegger segment, other than that Joe Manganiello will always just be Marshall’s rival lawyer on How I Met Your Mother, and for that I will never forgive him. Also, while no one takes a shitkicking like Bret Hart, nobody is better at earning one than The Miz.

If wrestling were just kicking/punching, Titus O’Neil could be heavyweight champion tomorrow. Unfortunately, there’s more than that to wrestling, so there’s probably a better chance of a woman president than him getting the title.


***WARNING: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES *** While the match between John Cena and Luke Harper will likely be marked a no contest or a loss for the latter, it was a win by almost any other possible definition for not just Harper, but Bray Wyatt and this feud. They’ve played much more than was expected with the idea that  John Cena is afraid of Bray Wyatt, and situations like this (and what happened at the end of this match) do a wonderful job of not just underscoring that but showing the cause for the concern.

While much of the actual content isn’t that different from the regular cheese that get put on feuds for people to get people who still think the show is real (see: children, smarks) concerned enough to buy the show to see if their hero can win, the thing that separates this feud is how well everyone involved is selling it. If you aren’t careful in making sure everything stays between “believable” and “over-the-top” and not “over-the-top” and “ridiculous” you can have situations like Hogan’s ridiculous feud with the Warrior in late-period WCW, or his all-time worst run against the Dungeon of Doom when he first entered the company.

But, instead of allowing Bray Wyatt to do spooky things like appear as a vision only John Cena can see, they’ve made it so while John Cena (the character) is legitimately worried about what Bray Wyatt and his friends can do: he’s stayed fully aware the entire time that everything that Wyatt and the rest of the family does is to get in his head, not “haunt him”or anything equally dumb. They’ve done a superb job of explaining that while Cena is “afraid” of the Wyatt Family, that fear has almost nothing to do with the mind games that Wyatt is playing — even if they do give him the heebs and/or jeebs — but what will happen if Bray Wyatt wins at the biggest show of the year.

And, with someone like Luke Harper — who seems both in what they let him do in the ring, and how much time they give him to do it — at his side, it shows that the fear isn’t something completely ridiculous. Having Luke Harper be almost completely beholden to Bray has put doubt in the mind of Cena, at least with/regards/to the power that Bray’s words could have if he’s allowed to back up his talk with the amount of walk that being John Cena at WrestleMania XXX would give him. They’ve established this not just through their wonderful series of back and forth promos, but with the fairly brilliant sit down interview segment with Cena and Michael Cole last Wednesday, where Cena spends a significant amount of time explaining to Cole that it’s not health or his stature in the company but his “legacy” that he’s concerned about as he enters into this match. It’s shown not just the growth of John Cena (the actor) but the understanding that John Cena (the performer/businessman) has when it comes to the importance of this feud.

He’s essentially put his “legacy” on the line against Bray in an attempt to raise the stakes as high as possible, and is doing so against someone who has “nothing to lose”. While John Cena may end up winning at WrestleMania, the idea that it’s even a discussion to be had is a testament to everyone involved.

*** WARNING: YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC CHILI CHEESE PRETZEL DOG ON THE WAY OUT ***


A full list of things that make me not want to hear Vickie Guerrero talk: her saying the word ”

While it seems very weird, and mildly uncomfortable that the WWE seems to be inducting a character into the Hall of Fame, considering the ridiculous life that Scott Hall has lived, it’s probably just easier to reward him for helping the company through a rough patch than acknowledging how much of a role that doing so played in sending him through his own. 

While EVERYBODY KNOWS that the Shield works better as a face tag team — especially the combination of Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins — the two weeks of teasing them as the good guys is going to make them the first people in the history of wrestling that a certain segment of the fandom will complain on the internet about performers needing to turn face in order to get the “push” they deserve. And is anyone else made in

When Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar, he’s Seth Rollins.

vlcsnap-2014-03-25-15h33m48s99