You Say “Yes”, I Say “No, No, No”: Raw Regurgitated, 3/17

The Real Americans get a big win, Titus O'Neil wears a big hat and The Authority has a big surprise for Daniel Bryan. Raw Regurgitated, on the internet, just for you!

Worked shoots are always kind of gross, but with the “Reality Era” making everything both a work and a shoot, things like “nobody owes you shit” and “you’re a headcase” are always nicer to hear about people for whom it’s actually at least kind of true.  Though, given that would it have killed Triple H to call him “Dave”? It seems weird that he’d call out a friend for being kind of a dick and airing their private business in public, but not mention him by name. And, one more thing, was HHH standing on the ropes so that he would look taller while shouting at Batista and Orton, or because he was worried that they weren’t going to hear him?  Does he not realize that’s a microphone he’s shouting into?

And for those that are afraid of the possibility of Triple H hotdogging/grandstanding his way into the main event: THAT’S THE F*CKING POINT.

There’s no pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than Cesaro uppercutting the shit out of someone when they — and the crowd — least expect it. 

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Bad News Barrett should never wrestle again, and just become the WWE’s version of the clown with the hook from Showtime at the Apollo. Though, let’s watch out how high we end up putting his podium? There’s funny, and then there’s “Hawk falling off the Titantron”.

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Was there a WWE APP segment backstage where they explained this Sheamus-Titus O’Neil match was over who was the most Irish? (EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently there was and yr correspondent missed it)

It seems like a problem for WrestleMania that Christian and Sheamus’s feud has already reached the point where even the other bad guys are allowed to think Christian is an idiot. It’s not like they can’t turn that into something interesting, but with the 30-man-Andre-the-Giant-Memorial-Battle-Royal, it seems like building a feud for two guys in the match to mess around with each other


Is anyone else bothered by how it seems like John Cena is just realizing for the first time that he can get the crowd to both boo and cheer him just by saying “some of you like to cheer me, and some of you like to boo me”? It’s not that he uses that same line every week as much as the way he delivers it like he just found out  a curse word and wants to see how far he can push it before someone washes his mouth out with soap.

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Bray Wyatt is the Eater of Worlds, of course, but he’s also a wonderful model for OUR NEW JOHN CENA “NEON” T-SHIRT PACKAGE, WHICH YOU CAN GET FOR 64.99 ON WWESHOP.COM!

Thank god that Randy Orton is just a transitional champion. We’d really hate to have to watch awesome matches all the time. Though, honestly, it’s probably for the best there wasn’t some sort of #OccupyRaw movement with him and a bunch of dudes in Affliction t-shirts taking over Raw.


This is going to seem odd, and oddly sentimental, but when people talk about the “presence”, things like this video segment is exactly what they are talking about. Despite not appearing on the show, it felt like the people involved in that awesome video were there just by virtue of someone mentioning their name. While there have been great stars in the history of professional wrestling, there’s less than a handful of guys that have the type of enduring legacy that Eminem does.

Now, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but if it turns out that Fandango gave a receipt to Goldustin Rhodes for copping his entrance, he’ll become my new favorite wrestler.

You shouldn’t necessarily change your plans because of how the crowds react to something, but if there’s anything we can do to make it so that they don’t break up The Shield and they can just be super friends forever, we’d be willing to do it. Also, if they could be made into a best friend trio of pest exterminators in WWE’s new Slam City claymation show,  that’d be great.


God, Naomi(‘s split moonsault) could make a good dog break his leash.

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In case you were wondering: there’s absolutely no way that Big Show wins the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal presented by Hulkamania. None. If he does, I’ll eat a hat.

Kofi’s good at making people look great, Bray’s great at being made to look good. So why are their matches one of the very few things outside of main roster-Divas matches that make me want to fast forward the show? This is clearly a “me” problem, I’m just trying to get to the root of it. And hoping I’m not secretly racist, of course.


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***WARNING: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE KEEP EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES *** In this week’s podcast episode, Andy and I watched last week’s episode of Raw. We paid specific attention to the #OccupyRaw segment that almost singlehandedly turned Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H from a match that people who don’t hate Triple H were interested in, into a match that anyone worth their wrestling fan card was dying to pay 9.99 a month to see. And in doing so, they helped simultaneously make the match matter and turn H from “cool dad who occasionally harshed people’s totally chill vibes” into “evil cartoon character who is angry he’s finally getting his comeuppance”, which is the Platonic ideal of any professional wrestling heel. What was most remarkable about the segment, though, was the way in which the crowd began to organically respond to things that “The Authority” said.

Some of this was obvious call and response type stuff, which while awesome, isn’t particularly “important”. But as the segment went on, the responses — the YESses, the NOs and the Dan-YELL-Bry-ANs — became part of the natural conversation between H, Daniel and Steph (beautiful, wonderful, Steph,) turning the entire thing into a meta-discussion where the crowd both literally and figuratively had their say. And, because of that, much like what happened early in the feud between “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Vince McMahon, the crowd went from “picking sides” — which most crowds, especially postmodern ones, are wont to do — in a story, to well, absolutely hating one of the people involved.

Getting people to genuinely hate you, especially when your job well, is a lot harder than it looks. Gone are the days were you could get actual heat just by virtue of being mean to Hulk Hogan. The change in crowd dynamic from a group of people who believed everything they were seeing and interpreting it as real to a group of people of who are now fully aware of they are watching a TV show has made being an actively unlikable and not also bad at whatever it is you are trying to do almost impossible. But, for the first time in a long time, last week’s #OccupyRaw segment managed to allow Steph and H to do exactly that.

And then, they did what they did this week, and well, they’ve turned  turn H from “cool dad who occasionally harshed people’s totally chill vibes” into “evil cartoon character who is angry he’s finally getting his comeuppance” to “bad person we don’t like”.

It wasn’t the “lying” to Daniel Bryan’s face about respecting him — speaking of which, it was fun to see how excited they both are to be in an angle like this, especially in the wake of CM Punk leaving — or even that they feigned dissent between Steph and H to lull him into, if not a false sense of “security”, a false sense of what he was about to step in that made the segment, though. It was, more than anything, the line that revealed the plan: “They aren’t even real cops.” Which, while seemingly inconsequential,  turned the whole thing into what could best be described as “some crazy next level shit”. Beyond the implying the sheer magnitude of the trickery — that he not only has the power/money to get ten guys to roughup Daniel Bryan, but the time and energy dedicated to it to buy them fake police gear — it called into question every single thing that happened before it.

The hilarious ineptitude of the two security guards they tried to use to break up last week’s shmoz, everything that had happened between Triple H and Daniel Bryan from SummerSlam on, was crystallized in that moment. The possibility that, quite frankly, this entire last eight months has had less to do with what Triple H thought was “best for business” and more with him wanting to put himself in the best possible position on the WrestleMania card and using the most popular new star to do it, became very real to those inclined to actually believe it.

By revealing that, at least for the night, that this — meaning Daniel Bryan, helplessly handcuffed while everyone in back is afraid to do anything for fear of losing their jobs — was the plan all along completely rejiggers what we can now assume about the entirety of the story line.  Instead of playing the reluctant authority figure doing what he has to for business, it’s now implied that he did all of this, not in spite of his personal feelings towards Daniel Bryan, but because of his feelings towards him and everyone else from the #YesMovement to “technically gifted guys who are so screwed up in the head they need me to hold their hand” to “Hollywood stars who think they can tell me how to run this business”.

Triple H has always been all about Triple H in the eyes of fans, and that’s why they’ve hated him. Despite his top-notch in-ring work and his flair for the dramatic, Triple H has always been disliked by a certain segment of the fan because they perceive that he’s being forced down their throats, something that those fans never like, no matter how delicious what’s being served might be. By playing on the needs of wrestling fans to feel like they can pick their own favorite performers and that those performers will become stars just by virtue of them being liked, they’ve managed to create a character that people aren’t just against, but actively afraid of what HHH might do from kayfabe and real-life perspective because he thinks he “knows better”. In two months, they’ve managed to solidify their new biggest star as the new people’s champion, and given him an adversary worthy of that: the status quo. Not bad for 9.99 a month. *** YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE *** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC CHILI CHEESE PRETZEL DOG ON THE WAY OUT ***