What About Me? What About Randy?: Raw Regurgitated, 12/16

It seems like even Randy Orton was surprised by how long they let his theme song run. There really isn’t much to that thing other than “IHEARVOICESINMYHEAD…”, and even that only worked when he was Murder/Death/Kill Randy Orton. Petulant and eternally needy Randy should probably come to down the ring with  something ironic like “Fortunate Son” or entirely on-the-nose. “Mo Money Mo Problems”, for instance.

Is Daniel Bryan a mute? Or are they just afraid that he’ll sarcasm the crowd to death if they let him on the mic?

The little extra “business” that Stephanie and Triple H do while the camera isn’t directly on them — like the conference they had while Randy Orton screamed about how ridiculous the idea of him having a match that night was — is probably my favorite part of the entire  Authority experience. That or Kane appearing with his music and lights like the guys from General Consolidated Insurance.

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The Rhodes brothers are two of the best workers of their era, which just so happen to be two generations apart. Cody and Goldust are so good at what they do that they made Shiny Happy Big Show and Rey F*ckin’ Mysterio look like hard heels.

Ziggler was maybe the most over he’s been since he lost to Alberto the Headhunter, and it’s nearly as much him as it is Fandango. Mr. Dango has really come into his own as — as Noah mentioned on Headlock’d —  an evil version of Santino. The crowd has begun to recognize that he’s both good at his job and good in the ring entirely separately from that. Santino works not because of his comedic chops, but because he can actually back it up by making everything look good. It’s all just timing, and Dirty Curty  looks like he is starting to get the rhythm of the WWE style down. 

This Real Americans-World Strongest Tag Team match was so much fun, it was hard to know what to do with myself. The crowd loved everyone involved, so while the Real Americans clearly worked as the bad guys, they didn’t care who won in the absolute best way possible. Cesaro and Swagger are the Road Warriors in the ring, except they also sell like Heroes. They may have driven it into the ground during the match, but the tag team division is absolutely stacked even before you start thinking about The Usos.

And don’t even get me started on how excited I am for my “Things that Mark Henry will yell after he turns heel on Big E. Langston” list.

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Why not have this match at the PPV? It seems like everyone would have been much happier if they worked a tag team match last night between Do R’s Truth in the Woods? and Tons of Funk where Brodus went HAM on Tensai before Xavier and Ron took the Funkdactyls while Sweet Tea laid dead on the side of the ring.

Shawn Michaels is trying so hard to get people to hate him,  but it’s never going to happen. If him turning on his student Daniel Bryan AND siding with his BEST FRIEND Triple H hasn’t made the people hate him as collateral damage. He could kill and eat a baby in the middle  of that very ring, and as long as somebody other than the baby got superkicked the crowd would cheer.

And now I am thinking about the Usos. Them not getting their usual entrance was understandable,  but them not even getting the chance to  get the crowd to chant set the tone for the rest of this match, and how rushed it felt. It was a good match, but it seemed to be at least a little listless, but that might be a function of how monumental the TLC PPV was in the history of the Shield. It’ll be interesting to see if the seeming inevitability of a messy breakup will affect the way the crowd  or opponents react to them.

WHEN IS PAIGE COMING? 

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The dick punch is a tried and true method for doling out justice in the context of professional wrestling. But it is just the absolute worst in a match like this. In a non-title match, having the champion cheat seems silly, no matter how big of a heel he is.

***WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE!*** PLEASE KEEP EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE AT ALL TIMES*** John Cena coming down to help doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a problem, though I may be naive in my thinking as it pertains to the character arc of Daniel Bryan. It really seems like Cena is looking to pass the torch, because Cena appears to understand better than anyone in his position ever that when everyone looks good, EVERYONE MAKES MORE MONEY.

Since he knows him never really wanting to leave is the difference between the Rocks, Hogans and Lesnars of the world, he knows he’ll have a job at or near the level he currently sits for a long long time. The notion they wouldn’t use the number one guy in the company to get over the new top babyface makes me wonder if people don’t know who Bob Backlund was. The WWE is a business, and there’s no real logical reason to expect them to change the course they are going — in the case, the Cena route — unless they are compelled to by the numbers or Cena decides he’s done. No matter how much we think we can will it, it’s just not going to happen until it needs to.  When people say “wait and see” we are almost never saying “wait to see where this storyline goes”, we are saying “stop putting expectations on things that are going to almost inevitably disappoint”. We should be happy that someone like Daniel Bryan — a guy who breaks nearly every stereotype of a WWE main eventer in the entire history of the company — is even involved in the main event. Progress takes time, but, as Daniel Bryan’s best friend puts:

***WARNING! YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE!*** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***