Pretty in Pink (and Black & Blue): Raw Regurgitated, 9/30

He’s among the best in the business on the mic, but man does CM Punk forget his lines a lot.

It’s easy to forget that part of paying for a ticket to Monday Night Raw is paying to see certain people wrestle. Then, they have Big E. Langston come out and wrestle CM Punk for no real reason and you remember: Oh, right, people are really just here to see him and (maybe) Daniel Bryan.

There’s been serious rumors of a Big E. face turn. Taking the audible N-word out of his entrance music would probably be a good start in that direction.

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I say this as someone whose grandmother died of breast cancer: everybody does (and should) hate breast cancer and want it to end, but, if its means we get these beautiful shirts every October, then that might just be something we have to deal with.

In case you were wondering, getting your name mentioned during last week’s first segment was them telling you who is going to get fed to stars they actually for the next couple of weeks.

Speaking of which, is it just me or does Bray Wyatt feel like he’s starting off in WWE 2K14 story mode and Kofi Kingston is the first guy he has to beat in order to move on to a meaningless  IC title feud.

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This is something that’ll get the Cageside Seats treatment from me, but that Los Matadores managed to be pretty much everything I love about wrestling with a lovely red bow on top. From the call-and-response entrance music, to the INSANE El Torito introduction (replete with smoke coming out of the nostrils of a seemingly magical bull) these two are going to be HUGE stars. You know, if the adults in the audience can understand that not only are they for kids, but Spanish/Mexican kids.

For all I know, they could have been using that finisher for years, but if that doesn’t make them the biggest stars in the tag team division for the next year, I’m quitting the writing about wrestling racket. I am all in with Los Matadores.

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Based on how many times she insists on bringing it up, the smart money is on Stephanie having written that “give Cody a Bed, Bath and Beyond gift certificate” joke.

Eternal questions: Did they have Dustin wear to a tan suit so that he would look different from Dusty and Cody  or because they wanted to match his Goldust make up.

Good to see the Shield (and the WWE finally figured out that people were finding it more and more implausible that wrestlers would actually wait to get their asses kicked by the Shield as they made their way through the crowd after their music hit and just had them appear out of thin air.

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If R Truth ever run out of breath while trying to rap to the beat for his song, you have to wonder if he’d still just hum along to keep it going. .

HASN’T CURTIS AXEL EVER SEEN WRESTLING? HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW TO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO ENTRANCE MUSIC? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH ENTRANCE MUSIC RELATED TRIVIA TONIGHT? IS IT JIM JOHNSON’S LAST DAY?

Truth dancing in the middle of the ring after beating Axel is great, but in the way that celebrating after tackling someone for a short gain early in the game is: it’s relatively meaningless and will more than likely come to bite Truth in the ass at some point.

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And Brie Bella, with the Michelle McCool “I’m in a relationship with a top guy” Memorial title shot. Does , explaining that they’ve been together for almost two year negate any chance at a “he was mine first” angle to this Brie-AJ match? I sure hope it does, because that would be just awful.

There’s a lot to be said about Zach Ryder getting this much offense against Alberto Del Rio on the go-home show for a PPV. Most of it involves me cursing and saying Long Island sucks.

Thank God for the Cross-armbreaker. ADR has turned that into the submission version of Sweet Chin Music and I couldn’t be prouder.

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This managed to be both beautifully done and mildly repulsive (well, mostly Jerry Lawler’s reactions were repulsive). One on hand, it’s a lot of “look at how creepy Ryback and Heyman are with each other, because GAY LOLZ”, but on the other hand, it’s Paul Heyman saying “HEY, EVERYONE, I’M IN LOVE WITH RYBACK AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS,” which is good for everyone involved. Including the fans.

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** This was not good. At no point did Heyman really seem like he thought Punk was injured, and him moving towards Punk seemed more to do with being aware the spot wasn’t working the way it should have than a narrative reason. The idea that they know each other so well that they can get each other to fall into ridiculous traps only really  works in retrospect — like Punk saying “I knew it was a trap but I didn’t care”. When you do it in real time, and without a believable injury (everyone knew Punk was faking), you are is basing the entire segment on the reaction of the crowd and how badly they want CM Punk to get Paul Heyman. It should be the other way around. This was a very bad night for Punk and a very good night for Paul Heyman and definitely not for the reasons it was supposed to. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***

For a dude that can’t take a bump with a roadmap and a spotter, thanks for taking that Kendo stick like a champ, Paul.

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Someone wrote in the comments of the Best and Worst of Smackdown that despite watching nearly every single one of their matches, he is still surprised by the ways in which the Shield manages to win nearly every single one of their matches. If you don’t think that’s the best part of this run by the Shield, you are watching wrong.

The crowd’s reaction to Big Show finally losing their shit is why you spend a month having him punk old people and douche bags that they tell people they should kind of like.

Wow, Stephanie continues her MVP season with an ED joke about Big Show to knock it out of the park. You can have Cabrera,Trout, Kershaw and McCutchen. I’m taking the classy broad from Stamford, CT.

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WOW, those We, The People shirts are sharp. Would recommend. Relevant to my interests.

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Either Daniel Bryan’s notes for his promo in his beard or he thinks that stroking his beard is somehow more interest than him saying something of value. I never thought Danielson would make me miss John Cena, but if you insist on doing a screamy-face promo for screamy-face promo sake, then we are going to have to re-evaluate this entire thing, Mr. Bryan.

Hey, Randy! That’s not right! Mentioning that Brie and Bryan share a bed is absolutely NOT PG. They aren’t even married!