Dusty’s Choice: Raw Regurgitated, 9/16

Daniel Bryan’s overness is some next level shit. This is CM Punk-in-Chicago over. This is Bret-Hart-in-Canada over. This is the opposite of the Miz-in-any-place-other-than-Cleveland-is over.

Does the WWE have a product placement agreement with the word “cadence”? We understand what you mean when you say “count”, Hunter. We promise.

It doesn’t seem like Daniel Bryan understand what Triple H means when he says “If you don’t give me back the WWE title, I will take it from you”. He should trying winking, too.

She may have two pitches, but that Lady MacBeth nuclear heat Stephanie just threw at Orton is definitely enough to let her pitch in the big leagues.

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The difference in crowd quality during a Ziggler match when they think he’s just kind of a “gay-bo” (their words, not mine) and when they understand he’s a face is the difference between “lower mid-card” and “Ricky Steamboat”.

Talking to my friend Kyle during this match, it’s clear that Dolph Ziggler needs to do the following things to get over with everyone: dye his roots, wear trunks with easier to understand words on them and stop humping the air. Or less. Hump the air less.

Oh no! Dean Ambrose has “mid-card champion loses on RAW”-itis! Next step is “transitional”-ism which, while not fatal, can permanently damage your career’s ability to accept transplant pushes.

Fandango’s gimmick works even better if you pretend he’s just an aspiring ballroom dancer who was watching Raw, realized they sometimes feature dance contests and figured he’d make his name that way because “it totally seemed like I could do the fighting part, I mean, they aren’t even punching with closed fists”.

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***WARNING, YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** Because of the wild variation in the amount of wrestling people watch, and because everything matters, exposition in wrestling is always problematic. You have to quickly explain what’s going on for people who either don’t watch or recognize what is important and why, but in a way that you don’t make the people who do know want to rip their eyeballs out, or worse, change the channel. This Rhodes feud has been the best example of proper exposition in a long, long time, as they’ve allowed the basic story – The Rhodes vs. The McMahons – to explain the “why” (as in “why’s there animosity to begin with?). As a result, the “what” (the “why” of the moment, as in “why are they arguing right now?”) does not get bogged down with “I DON’T LIKE YOU BECAUSE THINGS”. The “why” explains itself – the McMahons and Rhodes family don’t like each other, period — and the “what” is a function of the “why” – the McMahons are turning this into Sophie’s Choice With Rednecks because they feel like being dicks to the Rhodes family because they do not like each other, period. And in wrestling, that’s the (American) Dream.***YOU ARE NOW EXITING A WRESTLING NERD DISCUSSION ZONE*** PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT***

There’s a lot that could have went wrong with this segment, but when big-time bits like this are well-executed it makes the rest of the show better. And remember, pictures of Big Show crying = ratings.

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There are a lot of things that could have went wrong with this AJ-and-Nattie on commentary segment . And thank God they did. Remember, Natalya talking about wrestling = not ratings.

Your weekly reminder that Damien Sandow is cannon fodder for Cody Rhodes’ World Heavyweight Championship push.

Almost double nerd-zoned this week, but let’s just say “Scott Armstrong tries to say ‘THIS WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA, HUNTER’ before being permanently silenced” is one of my five favorite segs this year.

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Randy Orton continues both the slow descent into his Randrick Orteman character and his Do Messed Up Things to People in Front of Their Family World tour. I wholeheartedly support both these things.

If the Miz just “fought” people, instead of “wrestling” them, we’d all be a lot better off.

Hoping beyond hope that this head-crushed-by-folding-chair thing will be referred to as “Pillmanizing someone’s head” and not “Ortonating someone’s head”.

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There was nothing on this show – not even Daniel Bryan being stripped of the WWE title – more predictable than Paul Heyman calling himself the Best in the World. And there was nothing on this show – not even Dusty getting fist-Punted – that was executed better.

It’s hard to say which is/was the best part of this new pairing, but probably a tie between Ryback saying “you’re too much” after Paul E. kissed him on the cheek or the way his face lit up when he did it.

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If they don’t watch out, the Real Americans may turn face. And turn everyone in the crowd xenophobic.

The WWE has finally figured out that blind tags are the no-look passes of wrestling: they aren’t really that hard if you plan ahead and they make everything look better.

Do you think they explained to Michael Cole that Sister Abigail was Bray Wyatt’s teacher from Sunday school, or do you just think they hope he doesn’t say it and sound like a total moron again?

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Weirder fact: that Dean Ambrose is the tallest member of The Shield or that Roman Reigns is the best WWE wrestler out of the three?

For anyone worried about what will happen to Seth Rollins after the Shield breaks up, don’t worry. He’s got the Dolph Ziggler Memorial Main Event Bump-Machine Spot whenever Ziggler is finally allowed to win a match at a PPV.

I don’t know what Darren Young is happier about while holding Daniel Bryan up on his shoulder during this insane YES!-fueled “coronation”: how popular wrestling is right now or that he’s riding shotgun with Titus on the gravy train. Either way, this segment was good news for everyone. Us included.