Bryan’s Still Got It: Raw Regurgitated, 9/9

For a guy who is not particularly great on the mic, a less than stellar wrestler and a mediocre personality, Edge is pretty over in his hometown.

Speaking of being pretty over, it’s fun to watch them play with the crowd to invoke a response for Daniel Bryan. It’s that fun area between pandering and playing fetch with the crowd.

Triple so badly wants to say “March of Dimes” when talking about Edge’s Stack-of-Dimes neck. If only they didn’t have that exclusive deal with the Make-a-Wish Foundation! And is this worked shoot right now on what anyone who isn’t a total mark thinks about Edge?

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Kofi Kingston really looks like he has a chance to win the belt at some point in the near future. So that the next guy they put it on to make it important has someone the fans like to beat for it in the slightly less near future, of course. Those big boy pants are pretty nice, though.

Heyman apparently just realized how badly Intercontinental Champions are booked to look in WWE. He looks pissed.

Surprising that didn’t they include the interview where Jerry Lawler asked Goldust if he was “queer” in this video package

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Dolph Ziggler being “punished” by having to face a trio directly tied to the main event storyline = good. Dolph Ziggler being punished by having to face a trio as far away from the main event as possible = less good.

If Bray Wyatt had a match at NoC, “Jerry Lawler making puns based around evil religious authority figures” would be worth only one sip for the drinking game, and everyone would die from alcohol poisoning.

Remember when Bray Wyatt told that really interesting story about how he got the name for his finisher, Sister Abigail? Neither does Michael Cole, apparently.

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WHY ARE THEY GIVING HIM A REAL MEDICAL EVALUATION ON AN ACTUAL WRESTLING SHOW?

Little known fact: Jerry Lawler once had a heart attack, and the doctor in the ring saved his life. Yeah, apparently it happened in Canada too! Who knew?

The rundown I use to help me write this with says that there was a Diva’s six-woman tag match on this show. Looks like we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

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Even R. Truth is tired of R. Truth’s gimmick. Couldn’t he have been in the Cody Rhodes spot? Road Dogg could have come back to defend his honor and everything!

At least this crowd’s indifference to Alberto Del Rio feels less racist.

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“Tell them their country sucks because it doesn’t do enough to make your myopic view of your country come to fruition.”

– The Art of the Heel Promo with Zeb Colter by Zeb Colter

It may be #AntonioCesaroWeek at Juice Make Sugar HQ, but it’s a #SantinoMarellaLife.

Wow. Just Wow.

OOF. Nobody shouldn’t love Santino, he’s great, but having Antonio slip on the banana peel doesn’t make anybody look good. At least he didn’t have to take the Cobra.

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The Miz vs. Damien Sandow: The Battle of Who They Could Care Less About on Raw.

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If it took 2 years of Randy Orton being the meh-iest of the meh as a face just to establish a bunch of spots that can be countered now that he’s a heel, we have to accept it.

The most surprising part of this match isn’t that Goldust looks as good as he does, but that he’s actually bigger and almost as athletic as Randy Orton. Dustin Rhodes never being a World’s Champion is like Barry Bonds never winning a title. It was at least partially his fault, but it’s still a travesty and failure on a human level.

When will wrestlers learn that turning your back on Randy ALWAYS ends with an RKO? It’s like punching Hulk Hogan in the face after he’s started shaking, or wrestling Batista after he’s had sex with Melina. It’s not going to end well for you.

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People just want you to go straight to the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROBBBBB! VAN! DAM! part, Ricardo.

This match is the perfect example of the danger of crowds getting too hot. They want to like this match, but are so wound up that they keep fighting each others chants and can’t really get anything going. That and Ryback/RVD have as much chemistry as Rusty Venture and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

She may only have two speeds — strong, independent woman and strong, independent major league b-word — but Stephanie has been doing yeoman’s work as the worst parts of her father’s disinterest in people and the best parts of his false sense of sincerity during this program.

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Having fell into a Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley promo hole this past weekend, the less that he says now the better. Line at the level of “unless Andre the Giant’s ghost is in that battle royale, I ain’t losing at SummerSlam” work a lot better when you hit a home run almost every time. Over exposure is dangerous for everyone, but when you spew pure gold out of your mouth, rationing it out is what’s “best for business”

They’ve finally figured out that superheroes look best when they’re trying to avoid the henchmen. Thank God for Chikara.

***WARNING YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A SERIOUSLY WRESTLING DISCUSSION*** PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS INSIDE OF KAYFABE*** For all the internet nerds who complained about Daniel Bryan ending every week on his back with members of the Better for Business Bureau lording over him: that is why you book things that way. Wrestling nerds need to start to understand the difference between what they think they want (Daniel Bryan winning every week) with what they actually want (Daniel Bryan becoming the face of the company). It’s obvious to say after years of complaining about John Cena as Superman, wanting Daniel Bryan to be Spiderman is fifteen different times of dumb, but nights like this show it. They’ve managed to get everyone hot for the PPV, subtly introduced the Jumping Knee Kick as his finisher and made it seem like if he just gets the chance, he can win the title. It’s like a wise man once said: Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light. I think his name was David Fincher. ***WARNING YOU ARE NOW LEAVING A SERIOUS WRESTLING DISCUSSION***ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKES ON THE WAY OUT***