Respect the Beard: Raw Regurgitated, 7/1

Were the speakers for entrance music not working during this part of the show? Also, if Kane has the ability to start fires, how does he not also have the ability to turn his music on?

What exactly is the difference between Heel and Face Christian is. He’s definitely less needy as a face, but only marginally more likable and his move set lends itself much more to being a “bad guy” — he doesn’t have Five Moves of Doom as much as a depressing array of super choreographed moves to get a reaction from the crowd — so why not just make him a bad guy? There’s a reason that Edge/Christian (AND “Edge and Christian”) never really got over as faces.

Did the Lou Thesz press from Smackdown! make Kane think Randy was trying to Stone Cold Stun him? That’s the only logical explanation for selling that like Orton RKO’d his foot directly into Kane’s balls.

THINGS ARE GETTING CRAZY AS WE PREPARE FOR A PAY PER VIEW IN TWO WEEKS!

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I watched the beginning of Raw with a friend, and the Bray Wyatt vignette was called “creepy” by her at least 3 times. I think this is good. For Bray Wyatt, not necessarily for her watching more wrestling.

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Why is one of the brothers so much better than the other at the thing they do with the dancing and the Blacks All Blacks?

It may not seem like it, but The Shield losing on Smackdown was a good thing. It established both Christian and the Usos — who are slowly but surely making themselves into legitimate stars in the tag team division — as credible threats to the title, and it was done in such a way (especially with the results of this match) that you “don’t know who might win”.

Man, Dean Ambrose is the Dolph Ziggler of making himself look good.

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Warning: Serious Wrestling Nerd Discussion Zone! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Dolph Ziggler will never be over in the places that don’t matter like Sioux City if he doesn’t stop channelling his inner Heartbreak Kid: Male Stripper Edition. Nobody wants to see a dude shake their ass at the top of the ramp, especially when they think he’s a bad guy. Nerds like us assume that everyone understand the nuances of faces/heels, but until Dolph Ziggler wins something big at a big PPV (AGAIN), this face turn should be nurtured by things that don’t involve “ass-first hip gyrations”.

Mark these words: the Zig-Zag becoming a “quick-trigger” move will be the one thing that people actually attach themselves to during this run. People love big finishers that “can come out of nowhere” and after years of just being a stupid thing that looked like it might hurt him as much as it hurts his opponent, Michael Cole saying “Zig-Zag out of nowhere!” can be the thing that turns Dolph Ziggler from perpetual upper-mid card heel to a more successful Mr. Perfect.

This post match “CHEER FOR ME NOW!” escape is PRECISELY the thing they need to fill in the “good guy” blanks in the Dolph Ziggler Story! That it’s from the WWE’s equivalent of unaffiliated henchmen is just perfect. Dolph Ziggler — both the person and the character — is the type of dick you can cheer for. And EVERYBODY KNOWS, the best way to make money in this business is to be a dick you can cheer for.

You Are Now Leaving Serious Wrestling Nerd Discussion Zone! ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SONIC MILKSHAKE ON THE WAY OUT!

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Mark Henry is the best wrestler of all time.

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Daniel Bryan is trying to reverse “Someone Like You” Kane with this Randy Orton noise. He just wants The Big Red Machine to be as happy as he is, in the most creepy/obnoxious way possible.

There’s “over because of your finisher”, and then there’s “your finisher is the third most over thing in the company, you are *at best* fifth”. Randy Orton is so far in on the latter that he may never be able to Randrick Orteman again. This makes me profoundly sad.

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Why is Sheamus “guy who wrestles random mid-card heels” guy now? Did he screw up spotting Triple H on a squat?

If they aren’t already selling Fandango’s trunks in the WWEShop, they should start immediately. I’d personally like one in size “sad post-grad who hates his retail job”.

So, I was going to make a joke about how many points Fandango lost in the Bound For Glory series by walking out on his match with Sheamus, but then I realized that would involve me actually learning the scoring system for the BFG series so all you get now is the ghost of a good thing.

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As long as Jericho keeps calling Ryback a destroyer/destructor/destroyer in between “Cryback”’s, and jobs out to him the way he’s supposed to at MitB, this will be a great thing for Ryback’s career. If those things don’t happen? He might as well go back to being Skip Sheffield.

Has Mike Mizanin legally changed his name to Former WWE Champion and WrestleMania Main Eventer The Miz or is he waiting to get married to Maryse first.

So, it has been said in a bunch of different places on the internet, but holy shit is this the worst crowd of all time. They can’t even chant “Goldberg” enthusiastically. Though, that might be the rampant anti-Semitism in the Midwest, but I try not to judge.

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I don’t want to say that the “What?” chant completely negates all the work that Stone Cold Steve Austin did as a professional wrestler, but this is at least “OJ Simpson is a double murderer” level legacy damage.

This run has FINALLY allowed Mark Henry to embrace how truly bald he is.

Mark Henry is Jurassic Park to me: I love it more than anything, so much so that I can’t actually articulate what I love about it. He’s everything I could ever want from a professional wrestler, and I wish I could explain to you how much that means to me as a lifelong fan of THIS BUSINESS, but all I can say (over and over and over again) is Thank You, Mark.

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How long before Darren Young starts using the afro pick as a foreign object? Do they wait until they get thrown in the Shield meat grinder or does he start using that so that PTP can FINALLY beat Two Tons of Funk?

CM Punk’s exasperated face needs its own wing in the WWE Hall of Fame.

The one serious issue with him building towards a feud with Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam is that the level to which this Curtis Axel shit does not make any difference. This is literally just serving as a way to get Curtis Axel over as a dicknose, which is a great way to get a guy over as IC champ, but not you know, as a professional wrestler people care about or would pay money to see.

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That was the worst photoshop I’ve ever seen. Those shadows are CLEARLY fake!

Do you think Stephanie walked into that Sioux City hair salon and didn’t realize that all the style books were from 1987?

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I’ve probably written this before, but if Cody Rhodes isn’t a world champion in the next 3 years, WWE is the dumbest bag of cocks in the history of wrestling.

Money in the Bank Spoiler Alert: Ziggler is beating Alberto Del Rio. I’d be less sure if they didn’t fill the entire World Heavyweight Champion MitB with heels roughly the same age as Dolph, but given the lineup, there’s literally no way he loses. I’ll eat a hat if I’m wrong.

On the list of matches I would pay to see, Antonio Cesaro versus a pile of bricks and Cody Rhodes versus a broom are at or near the top. So, Cody Rhodes vs. Antonio Cesaro in a PPV match is something I’d give a kidney to see.

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Based on the “We The People” chants, this has to be the most confusing match of all time for smarks from Iowa.

It feels weird to talk about John Cena being in the WWE for 11 years when he’s WEARING THINGS THAT SAYS TEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY ON THEM. The WWE lies about pretty much everything else, so I’m not sure why they think someone’s going to complain about them underselling how long their most popular star has been with the company.

A non-title match between two world champions who have to worry about making themselves look good more than helping the other guy get over is NOT something people would pay to see.

When Cena asks if the count was two, is he asking how close it was to three or can he not figure out the difference between that and the number one?

No one has ever won a match on a flying body press that didn’t involve a roll through. That’d be like winning on a sleeper hold.

Are Dolph Ziggler shirts available exclusively at Urban Outfitters?

Mark Henry is the best wrestler of all time.

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