Daniel Bryan’s Spanakopita!: Raw Regurgitated, 6/24

If Chris Benoit had Daniel Bryan’s mic work, Nancy Benoit would still be alive.

If Randy Orton had Daniel Bryan’s mic work, he’d be the Rock. Unfortunately, he has Randy Orton’s mic work, so he’s basically all the annoying parts of Ultimate Warrior, but with a better finisher.

THIS BETTER BE GOING SOMEWHERE…

And that somewhere is apparently Team Brickie’s office. Thank God for small favors

***

Sheamus nearly beat Team Rhodes Scholars by himself. If he doesn’t beat them with Christian as his teammate, would that mean that Christian is the WWE’s Amar’e Stoudemire (which would make Edge the WWE’s Steve Nash)?

Speaking of mildly obscure references, it makes me sad to see how good of a tag team wrestler Cody Rhodes is, because I know it means he’s going to be the Marty Jannetty to Ted DiBiase’s Al Snow.

Sheamus is DEFINITELY Carmelo Anthony, I’ll tell you that much.

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That “hit somebody with a full water bottle” thing looks like it would hurt a lot more than they make it seem, which is weird.

AJ Lee has officially reached the “do an impression of your rival during a feud” level of importance. That’s Degeneration-X territory, which is nice to see for someone who spent the last year being called a crazy slut.

Big E Langston for President 2024:

I really hope this is all a super elaborate prank by Layla, and she reforms LayCool with AJ.

***

Wow, Ricardo really wants to make sure that this heel turn gets over. He’s even done the rare double accent crossover to really piss off these rednecks. It’s amazing his acting career never got past the “extra in a porno” stage.

On the mic, I find heel Alberto Del Rio to be a bit on the bland side when he talks about his destino and American pigdogs, but like Randy Orton, a big guy going out of his way to hurt people will always look better than a big guy trying his best to make the fans happy. That’s why Shaq got so fat.

As long as this is about Dolph Ziggler becoming a face/tweener and NOT him not getting his one-on-one title shot until SummerSlam, I wholeheartedly approve of any and all Jericho/Ziggles interactions. If this DOES involve Chris Jericho integrating himself into a triple threat match, I’m starting a petition to get the Fozzy tour to start the same night as Money in the Bank.

***

The fact that Vickie Guerrero has been this hated for this long is either a testament to her work as a character, or that people don’t like women in power.

I’m glad that a presumably retired guy who has wrestled 5 matches in the last 10 years gets to be on the cover of WWE2K14. Was Tatanka busy?

***

The “when you’re as big as Khali, everything you do hurts your opponent” handwave might be the best way to say “this dude can’t wrestle worth dick” I’ve ever heard.

Hey, did you know that the Great Khali was once a World Heavyweight Champion? Did you know that he won it in a Battle Royale? Did you know that he only successfully defended it once? Did you also know that he killed a guy?

Ryback’s feats of strength are relatively impressive, but shell-shocking The Great Khali does not “moving two 18-wheelers” make. Also, he doesn’t look nearly as sharp in a salmon suit.

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John Cena’s name: John Cena

John Cena’s occupation: Champ

John Cena’s location: Here

Amount of fucks John Cena gives about getting Mark Henry over: Zero

I love John Cena, everyone knows this, but man, not having Mark Henry out there with him for this promo makes this seem like the World’s Strongest Man has no chance to win at Money in the Bank.

***

Man, if that entrance ever gets over, the Usos are going to be superstars. But that entrance has as much of chance getting over as Drew McIntyre does.

Good to see that the Usos retained their father’s ability to try way too hard to be cool with their in-ring gear. The only explanation for those fake vinyl towels with their names on them hanging out of the back of their shorts has be that there was a two-for-one deal at the custom costume shop last week.

Putting belts on people who are actually getting pushed is the smartest thing the WWE has done since… wait… WHY WEREN’T THEY ALWAYS PUSHING GUYS WHO HAVE BELTS?

***

Paul Heyman still doesn’t have his own entrance music? There has to be an old ECW song they can use. Or, if they wanted to be clever, why not just do a cover of “I am the Walrus”?

Speaking of fatties, CM Punk lost more weight in 2 months than I’ve lost in a year. Eff that guy, eff exercise and eff eating healthy.

This is a beautiful promo from a guy who genuinely loves the man he’s in the ring with. That this is building towards the dissolution of their on-screen relationship warms this wrestling fan’s heart.

Is Jerry complaining that one man told another man he loved him? Or that Heyman is a lying bastard? I really hope for my sake it’s the latter. Because, if people can’t tell one another they love each other for helping them build a career and do their life’s work, what’s the point of being a person?

***

Darren Young must be lost. There’s no way he can’t be scheduled for this match.

Tennis is the (second) best sport on earth, Jerry. Reason number 801 you’re my least favorite announcer of all time.

This has to be Darren Young doing his Black John Cena impression. That’s the only explanation for them letting him get this much against Punk.

Speaking of tennis, Titus O’Neil had more unenforced errors in the ring with CM Punk in a minute and a half than Rafa Nadal did in straight sets against that Belgian dude. Waffles, that was ugly.

***

WAR GAMES DVD! GET YOUR POPCORN READY!

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Hey, Stephanie, I know you’re from Greenwich, but it’s Randy Or-ton not RANDYORTIN. This is why they shouldn’t let her in public. That and the man hands.

So, not only does Ziggler get his one-on-one title match, but I also get Jericho carrying Ryback to the best match of his career. Thank you, Wrestling Jesus!

Someday WWE will understand that things like Jericho calling Ryback “Mr. Back” or Brad Maddox being Brad Maddox are way funnier than gay/slut/fat jokes. When that day comes, I’ll be at the front of the line to greet them with the first 3 seasons of Community so they can start doing paintball episodes.

Rock Star Jericho means that Mark Henry can now raid Y2J’s “Best in the World at What I Do” suit closet. That’s a good thing.

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There will be a lot of wrestlers I will miss in a genuine way when they retire. Mark Henry is at the top of that list. There’s really never been a guy that big and that good at being big also be as good as a character or on the mic. This “Hall of Pain” run has been my favorite run of all time, and I am sincerely happy I’ve had a chance to watch someone do something they were put on Earth to do. So, thanks for this, Mark.

I don’t even have anything clever to say about this promo. Mark Henry is the best.

***

Of all the things I love about Daniel Bryan, the eventual reversal of that running skin-the-cat move off the turnbuckle that he does to change direction by someone in an important match is definitely my favorite. That’s going to be poetic.

I know he always goes over and he’s become very complacent, but when he’s actually motivated and trying to make the other guy look good, Randy Orton wrestling is truly a sight to see.

Brandon Stroud must be dancing on air watching this. Daniel Bryan is about two months away from being CM Punk 2.0.

I’m fine on the insistence on doing this guillotine DDT in every match, but only if they have him mercilessly beat the person out of the ring with a kendo stick to set it up. Really, every Randy Orton match should involve a kendo stick.

GOD, THAT WAS A GOOD MATCH FOR FREE. SPANAKOPITA!