We Love Him More Than You Do: Raw Regurgitated, 6/3

Exposition, what a show! Exposition, oh no no no.

This is a beautiful idea for a family heel turn, but, to say this whole thing is a little on the nose feels like it’s unnecessary hostile to Triple H.

“You killed him because you are all bloodthirsty savages” will sadly be the biggest rub that Kofi Kingston ever gets.

I BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD(’s ability to send any segment to commercial)!

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Eternal questions: do they use Papyrus for the typeface on Randy Orton’s entrance video? Or did they commission one that looks and acts exactly like Papyrus and call it “King Tut”  so they would have the rights to it?

“The Whale” is apparently a species of something that’s endangered. Thanks, Jerry Lawler: Divorce Hunter.

If “thing you do” is only from this specific part of your career, it’s not “vintage”. It’s a “signature move”. It’s like Michael Cole has never played any of the Smackdown vs. Raw games. Which would make sense, considering that it had the same commentary for 5 years straight.

**ALERT! ACTUAL WRESTLING DISCUSSION AHEAD! PLEASE KEEP HANDS AND FEET INSIDE OF KAYFABE** Our very own Dave the Mark brought up a really great point last night whilst live tweeting #RAW (you should be following him on Twitter) regarding the Shield’s ability to stay hot/get the crowd thinking they might actually lose. Our very own KidCeej (follow him on Twitter, too) postulated that this is a function of people over 15 not having anything to root for. Which, to me, is an interesting concept. The idea that, like comedy, wrestling has to deal with an inherent bias within its fanbase between people who have “senses of humor” and people who just “enjoy the jokes” is one that fascinates me. The WWE must be all things to all people, while also dealing with the inherent nature of nerdiness as it relates to their product. They are like the Two and Half Men, the Big Bang Theory and Arrested Development all at once, and the fact they do so without exploding is a very interesting thing to think about, at least for me.**THIS CONCLUDES THE ACTUAL WRESTLING DISCUSSION PORTION OF OUR RIDE. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO BUY A SLAMMER FROM MATTEL IN OUR GIFT SHOP AT THE END OF YOUR JOURNEY**

In case you were wondering, THAT is how you do 50/50 booking.

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Randy Orton has officially reached “I don’t know why I am being a nice guy about this, but I’m a good guy, so whatevs” level of interest in being a face. This will explode into a magnificent crescendo of punts and making out with the unconscious, but man, is it tough sledding getting there.

At least they addressed the idea that Triple H is kayfabe the guy in charge in a way that speaks to actual familial dynamics and not “I’M IN CHARGE, AND YOU’RE AN OLD MAN!”-level of thought they usually put into these things.

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They are going to keep trotting out The Usos — who, it should be noted, are a talented young team with TONS of potential — with slight tweaks to their gimmick until they form the Samoan branch of the Too Cool tag team franchise.

Million of Dollars are not enough to keep Darren Young and Titus O’Neill from jobbing out.

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Why do the refs let Ricardo Rodriguez bring a bucket to the ring even though he’s made it very clear there’s nothing in it? It’s not a cane or something they would actually need, and it’s basically just there to bring things that are illegal to the ring or as a way to distract Del Rio when AJ does something silly with it. I can deal with the idea that he has a personal ring announcer, that he’s best friends with a poor person, even that he genuinely like Americans. But needlessly bringing a bucket to the ring just so it can blow up in your face? THIS WILL NOT STAND!

I, like every other WWE writer, have no clue what to talk about with these ADR-Big E. matches. It’s like reviewing episodes of CSI, with Dolph Ziggler’s momentum as the corpse.

At least they had the decency to think of a slightly new ending other than a series of If/Then statements regarding whether or not AJ successfully intervenes. If I had to see Langston tap out to the cross arm-breaker one more time, I was going to stop giving you weekly reminders to follow him on Twitter. But he was pinned instead, so here it is:

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Sandow and Rhodes’s friendship has reached the point where they don’t even have to explain why they are coming down the ring together. They’ve managed to form a stable of only two people based entirely on the fact that they best friends, like a wrestling version of Leo and Jed. Hopefully neither of them has a heart attack in kayfabe that they have to bring back because they then die off screen of an actual one. Also, in case you were wondering, that last sentence was brought to you by Nick Bond’s monthly West Wing Wrestling quota.

Is Cody really that orange, or is Sheamus’s hair dye leaking?

Did Michael Cole forget about his late-nineties goatee because he was also blocking out pictures of him in a fanny pack from the same time, or is he just being a dick?

So, in a minute period one of the kayfabe smartest people on the show — a member of the Rhodes Scholars — tried to hit a move off the top rope designed to hurt someone on the ground (a moonsault) to a guy standing behind him instead of the move (the Disaster kick) he’s been using for a year that does precisely what he needs it to do (hurt a guy standing up by coming off the turnbuckle) and then walks across the ring to take a move whose name the entire crowd is chanting (the Brogue kick). This was not the best match for those looking for consistent characterization, or, you know, logic. Oh well, at least Sandow got to sneak attack Sheam… wait, what? REALLY? REALLY? Well, I just give up.

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Casual anti-Semitism in Connecticut? You jest, surely. And in what way does “No-DQ” not benefit the bad guy in every conceivable situation? It’s how you kept CM Punk champion for six months longer than he should have and it’s been made clear that you could just hire someone to interfere in the match at any point. Why is this a bad thing?

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FANDANGOOOOOO. … Khali.

Bullhammer Elbows kill Mizzes dead. (At least through the commercial break)

I wish I could do a better job of reviewing what’s going on in this Miz-Barrett match, but I just refuse to spend 600 dollars to simply be able to watch wrestling on commercial.

Marly Gorman seems like someone that JBL used to drink with who had a Confederate flag in his truck.

What a bad bad bad bad match. That was MIZerable. AMIRITE?

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I know I am supposed to say “FINALLY SOMEONE BRINGS UP HOW POINTLESS CONTRACT SIGNINGS ARE!”, but honestly, so are weigh-ins, free agent press conferences and practice interviews. Everything is pointless. God is Dead.

You’re trying to seduce me, Mr. Jericho. Aren’t you?

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Are these the only six women currently employed as wrestlers by the WWE? I haven’t seen Vicki in weeks, and Natalya only works in Canada, so I’m pretty sure this is it (plus or minus a Brit). I suppose the sorry state of the Diva’s division is all Kharma’s fault. AMIRITE? (Sorry, that’s the last one, I swear).

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So I said a month or so ago that worst case scenario for Team Hell No was a will-they/won’t-they prolonged split between Daniel Bryan and Kane that culminated in a break-up/blowoff match at Summerslam. I just want to say, I was more wrong about that than I have been about anything wrestling related since the time I said “if Alex Riley isn’t a world champion in the next year, it will be because the WWE is out of business”. That’s how wrong I was.

Ryback has done more actual wrestling in his two matches with Daniel Bryan than Bill Goldberg did in every non-William Regal match he had in his entire career combined. So can we PLEASE stop chanting Goldberg every time he comes out to the ring? Please?

The love casual fans have for Daniel Bryan is like watching a star being born. There’s a lot of gross stuff, slime and crying, but at the end, it’s totally worth it. He’s had such a meteoric rise it almost makes you forget this all started with him losing in 18 seconds at WrestleMania 28.

Does this make Daniel Bryan the Brutus the Barber Beefcake to John Cena’s Hulk Hogan? IS HE GOING TO HAVE TO CARRY CENA’S BAGS?!

John Cena almost Horatio Sanz’d when Curtis Axel’s music started. This doesn’t seem like a positive.

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WHY ARE YOU COUNTING THEM OUT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

You could almost see the wire that slowly pulled that chair out of the corner as John Cena sauntered into it.

Apparently the McGuillicutter (trademark Daron “Action” Jackson)

WHY ARE YOU COUNTING HIM OUT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

The level to which Ryback has turned into such an honest-to-God cartoon villain that I expect him to say “I’m not even going to flush, LET THEM SEE THE WRATH OF THE RYBACK!” after he Randy Ortons in John Cena’s gear bag. It’s really a beautiful thing. He should be proud.