Jerry Lawler Hosts So You Think You Can (Get Over with a) Dance: RAW Regurgitated, 5/13

Fandango

FACT: The design on Jerry Lawler’s shirt is based on Chris Jericho’s left-arm dad tattoo.

Hey, Chris: Not only is “kick your jack ass” not PG, it’s not something people say as humans.

2013’s most creative use of a bad segment idea definitely goes to Fandango and Chris Jericho for Nobody Puts Summer Rae in the Corner.

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RybackRulesWWE must have paid Nintendo through the nose on Team Rocket logo rights for Ryback’s hat.

Poor Zach Ryder. He was going to get his short trunks and hair gel back if he won that match with The Ryback. Instead, he’s Speedy from the Venture Bros.

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SweetTeaMatt Bloom would have been better off just going straight to fat   guy tag team wrestler instead of starting off as an action movie heavy. That’s right, the Lord Tensai gimmick was so bad that Hard House Typhoon was a better career option.

The Prime Time Players have slowly become this generation’s Cryme Tyme. I don’t mean that in  a racist way. WWE does, but I don’t.

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I thought I’d be proud of the WWE for not allowing Dolph Ziggler to wrestle a major PPV with a concussion but letting him keep the belt, before I remembered that they used “concussion” as the equivalent of a tweaked hammy during the Attitude Era/how Chris Benoit killed his wife and his son (his handicapped son he pumped full of steroids) because of CTE. Then it felt a little less like the scene in Varsity Blues where James Van Der Beek refuses to keep playing under Jon Voight.

Teddy Long’s suit looks like he’s going to prom with Kane. BUT HOW WILL DANIEL BRYAN REACT?

Teddy Long

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DamienFor a guy with that much pyro and flippy-spinny, Kofi Kingston’s entire oeuvre lacks a certain “excitement” or “interestingness”. Hope this doesn’t affect his long-term career prospects.

Kofi Kingston should change his ring name to “Transitional Mid-Card Champion”.

Three guys I would pay to see talk into a microphone: Damien Sandow, Damien Sandow and Damien Sandow.

I’m glad that Sandow insists on bringing the 80’s back one abdominal stretch at the time.

When Kofi Kingston figured out that he didn’t have to let the crowd know he was going to use the Trouble in Paradise, he must have felt like the first coach to try a forward pass.

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MarkHenry

Mark Henry saying “whupping” repeatedly has single-handedly made me want to buy this PPV. Every other part of show? Not so much.

These announcer beat up segments are what Matt Stryker is for. Josh Matthews kayfabe abuse lawsuit against the WWE stopping after Jerry Lawler’s shoot heart attack makes less sense than The Rock Sting main eventing a major PPV in 2013.

If his mic work was this good ten years ago, Mark Henry wouldn’t be paying hand support to Mae Young.

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CesaroBisonAre they giving Randy Orton a Guile storyline to match Cesaro’s M. Bison gimmick?

UPDATE: That’s not a M. Bison gimmick, it’s based on Rolento.

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Considering the amount of WWE movies they put him in, it’s clear that The Miz is the WWE’s favorite actor in the way that Limp Bizkit was their favorite band.

TheMizThe level to which I care about this Heath Slater-Miz match is probably best explained by the fact that I thought The Miz’s tights changed colors halfway through the match.

The Miz should have hung out more than five times with Ric Flair on TV before they started calling the Nature Boy his “mentor”. “Idol” is totally fine, but “mentor” implies that he knows the Miz’s real name.

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Real Talk: Even when it’s just boos, the response to John Cena — Every Single Time He Comes Out — is the loudest thing you’ve ever heard.

A walkie-talkie company should sponsor The Shield’s entrance. Assuming there are any walkie-talkie companies left, of course.

A few quick questions about THE SHIELD:

  • Are those flak jackets the Shield are wearing just for show or do they actually offer protection?

    • If so, why wouldn’t everyone wear them?

    • Or do they get special dispensation to wear them?

DanielBryan

WWE should offer an app that lets you make Kofi Kane’s tag team partner and Daniel Bryan the US Champ for the Extreme Rules PPV.

Why would you stand where in the one spot on the outside Daniel Bryan divebombs into someone Every Single Week, Roman? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Also, when you chase him into a corner, you do realize he’s just going to do a backflip over you, right, Seth?

When Daniel Bryan goes for the No Lock, it always looks like he’s trying to get a guy in a headlock on the playground. Then, it looks like he put on a Crippler Crossface wrong as a silent protest against Benoit getting the Trotsky treatment.

If Cena can always overcome the odds, shouldn’t he also beat the damned numbers game? These seem like the same thing to me.

Ryback’s gear answers a very important question for me: there IS a certain amount of time after turning heel before you get new gear. Either that, or he hasn’t submitted the proper paperwork.

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Physically, you have to figure AJ Lee could fit into Big E Langston’s chest cavity. I like to imagine the two of them in lab coats doing the math to confirm this.

Keep this in mind: Jack Swagger ruining the triple threat match at Extreme Rules by actually kicking Dolph Ziggler in the actual face is only the second most disruptive thing he’s “accidentally” done to a storyline in the past 3 months.

Big E. Langston wearing a singlet would seem more like a censorship issue if it wasn’t clear that it’s just so he can do the strap pull down at some point in the match. Either way, his breasts are magnificent.

I hope that Big E. is the one that gives Dolph Ziggler the enziguiri that allows him to turn face.

Big ENot entirely sure why Big E. took the Northwest Passage to the ropes to get the break on that Patriot Lock, but I’m sure he had his reasons.

It makes me sad that Alberto Del Rio’s greatest contribution to the larger culture will be the horns in his theme song. That and the hiring of personal ring announcers that will likely become commonplace in MMA/the finance industry over the next five years.

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I skipped through the women’s match. I’m sorry for this.

Okay, I stopped during that surprisingly interesting submission maneuver.

AJNatalya

It’s clear at this point that Natayla’s only attracted to the Great Khali because he reminds her of dad. Not her dad, per se, but a dad, definitely.

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“I think we Triple H because we accept it as an inevitability” – Overheard at a Dutch hash bar

“I’m just going to gravel in my Triple H voice for about 20 minutes” – Overheard at Triple H’s home office

God, Brock Lesnar has a fat head.

Did Paul Heyman just call Triple H a hunk of beef?

Paul’s made it clear why Brock won’t face you “man to man”: he’s here for the booze, the bitches and the small number of guaranteed dates for which he’s agreed to appear.

PaulHeyman

When Triple H says Brock is Heyman’s meal ticket, you have to assume he’s implying that Lesnar is the  Transformers to Punk’s Pain and Gain.

Why would you put referees in the way of Brock Lesnar when you have actual security guards on the payroll? And why are they trying to prevent Lesnar from fighting their boss AFTER he publicly requested it.

I’M TAKING OFF MY SHIRT TO SHOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT BEING A MAN!

Nothing like ending the show by running a recap of a segment that hasn’t finished yet.